Written by Michael Kramer

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There was a total team effort yesterday when the Browns lost to the Jets in OT.  Not the loss, mind you.  The blame for that rests squarely on Chansi Stuckey.  Maybe that’s not completely fair, but I’ve calculated his share of the blame at around 86.37%, which is well above the 78% threshold that MIT has calculated in order to rest blame “squarely” on someone.  Anything less than that and you are resting the blame trapezoidally and the whole thing becomes silly.

I know this is going to surprise a lot of people who are out to blame Eric Wright.  We saw what we saw, and on the last play of the game Eric Wright was allegedly covering Santonio Holmes (Or San Antonio Holmes, if you’re Chris Spielman).  There are people talking about how TJ Ward got faked out on that overtime TD play to Holmes, or they are talking about how Eric Barton was in the area to make the tackle.  But the fact remains; Eric Wright was charged with covering Holmes and he never touched him.  He never even touched him. 

Despite the 5’10” pile of mandarin orange jello wearing number 21 that is Eric Wright epically failing in the modest task which was his charge, I can only rest 10.81% of the blame rhomboidally on his shoulders.  This is due to the fact that the Jets were starting the drive at the 37 yard line of the Browns.  They didn’t need to drive very far to get in field goal range.  Even if Eazy-E makes the tackle, they are already there.  I don’t know about you, even before that play, I wasn’t feeling all that good about Nick Folk missing for a 4^th time. 

This doesn’t mean I all of a sudden like Eric Wright.  If he needs a ride to the airport I’d be happy to provide one.  It just means that this one ain’t on him.  Not completely anyway.  Not even mostly. 

No, this one’s on Stuckey.  If he doesn’t fumble, the Browns win.  It’s too bad because I like the guy.  He’s valuable as a 3^rd receiver and he’s been far more productive than Mo Massequoi and Brian Robiskie.  Hell, Robiskie can’t even gets his hands near the ball when it’s laying on the ground right in front of him.  It’s as if he’s allergic or something. 

But, an important thing happened after that unfortunate turn of events.  As Stuckey sat dejectedly on the bench, there was a team effort to pat him on the back.  The entire time the camera was on him it was one player after another offering what encouragement they could.  Does that happen if it’s Winslow, Edwards, DA, or Quinn?  I doubt it.  Not to that level.  This team likes each other.  They play for each other.  They have confidence in each other.  And it shows. 

Oh, and crazily enough, my calculations are showing that the remaining 2.84% of the blame is somehow falling on Eric Wedge.  You’re going to have to trust me on these numbers.  I’m really good at math and stuff.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns 

For the first time in a month the Browns will be up against a team that isn’t the New Something-er-other when they travel to Jacksonville to take on the Jaguars.  To tell you the truth, I’m not sure what to make of this Jacksonville team.  They are 5-4 and in the thick of things in the AFC South.  They are riding a 2 game winning streak achieved on the last play of the game yesterday when they beat Houston on a hail mary.

Aside from Indianapolis, none of their victories have been all that impressive.  They certainly don’t have wins on their resume the likes of the Brown’s wins over New Orleans and New England.  At the same time, none of the teams they’ve lost to have been schlubbs.  But their loses have all been enormous beatdowns.  Their 4 losses have come by an average score of about 35-10. 

Looking at their schedule, they seem to be exactly where they should be, at 5-4 looking at a possible playoff run.  And I think they are eminently beatable.  If the Browns just continue to play the way that they have been for the last month they should be able to go into Jacksonville and hand them their asses.  Jacksonville’s asses.  Not ours.  That would just be weird. 

After running the gauntlet that the Browns just ran, they might be primed for a letdown facing a team that appears merely average instead of a team with legitimate Superbowl aspirations, like they’ve faced in their last three games.  But this doesn’t strike me as a team that lets down.  Don’t get me wrong.  The Browns are capable of playing some crappy football.  Every team is.   But don’t expect them to ever not be giving their all out there.  One thing we will not get is football like the Buckeyes played in the 1^st half last Saturday.  We’ll get to them later.

So mark down next Sunday at 1:00.  The Browns are once again can’t miss television.

BTW Braylon

What the hell am I supposed to do with all of this popcorn?  It’s been sitting around here all day waiting for you to do whatever the hell it was that you promised you’d do.  And now my kid is stringing it all up to put on the Christmas tree and running around putting his butter fingers all over everything.  Have you ever tried to get 2 month old popcorn off of a Christmas tree before you put it back in the basement?  It’s a pain in the ass.

And now my house is like Doctor Hathaway’s house.  Thanks a lot.  Jerk.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Cavs

The Cavs are fresh off a disappointing week that saw them drop back under .500 after the promising stretch that put them briefly atop the Eastern Conference Central Division.  It was fun while it lasted.

After failing to hold of the New Jersey Nets, the Cavs were run off the floor by the Indiana Pacers.  Danny Granger dropped his customary 34 on the Cavs.  The only difference was that this year it’s enough to beat them.  The Cavs were without Anderson Varegao forcing them to rely on Ryan Hollins and one legged Leon Powe as their inside presence.  The results were predictable.

So the Cavs are back one game under .500 where they seem destined to be mired the entire season.  This is the one place that everyone seems to agree doesn’t do anybody any good.

The Cavs should get back to an even .500 on Tuesday against the struggling Philadelphia 76ers, who they beat in a shootout about a week and a half ago.  Andre Iguodala is back in action after missing a few games with some stupid injury.  It shouldn’t matter and the Cavs should look to get back some of that home court mojo back that they seem to have lost this year.

On Friday the Cavs will be in New Orleans at 8:00 to square off against the undefeated Hornets.  Somehow I doubt the media will be making as big of a deal out of Byron Scott’s return to the Big Easy as they made about Mangini facing the Jets.  And rightly so.  It’s not a big deal.

Hey, remember back in May and June when people were talking about about the Cavs trading for Chris Paul and having him team up with tWoA in Cleveland?  Member?  Member that? 

That was awesome.

Then on Saturday the Cavs mosey on over to San Antonio (Or Santonio if you’re Chris Spielman) to take on the 7-1 Spurs.  The Spurs…remember when you didn’t have to be a big market or a market where (if you believe TV shows) nobody has a job and women routinely hang out in bikinisno matter where they are, for a big time player to want to play for you?  Member?  Remember that?

That was awesome too.  Enjoy it while it lasts San Antonio.  As we’ve learned here it’s a brave new world.

So basically, the Cavs come off of a week in which they won 1 out of three, into a week where that record is the best case scenario.

 

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Tribe

What do Cliff Lee, Adrian Beltre, Carl Crawford, Jason Werth, and Jake Westbrook have in common?

 

As far as I know, Chris Antonetti has not declared that we are out of the running on any of those free agents.  So let’s not jump to any conclusions.  Let’s just sit back and see what happens.

 

I’m telling ya there’s a chance. 

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Buckeyes

There was a huge sigh of relief that must have gone up in the Buckeye’s locker room when the team bus pulled up.  Unfortunately it was already 5:15 and the game was at halftime with the Bucks trailing 14-3 to the Penn State Nittany Lions and their moxilicious QB Matt McGloin.  If you listened to Brent Musburger, you’d be convinced that McGloin had more moxie than anyone to walk the face of the earth since Bette Davis did the 23 Skidoo with George Sanders in All About Eve.  And McGloin did.  The kid had tons of moxie as he carved up the Buckeyes secondary on his way to throwing the first TD passes the Nitanny Lions have ever thrown in the Horseshoe.

In the first half.

I’m convinced that the team Ohio State ran out there in the first half was actually Dublin Coffman dressed up in Scarlet and Gray.  When you think about it, that’s a pretty impressive half time showing for a high school team against a Big Ten opponent, but it didn’t do anything for my ulcer.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that the only actual Buckeye player on the field in the first half was Brandon Saine.

I could tell that it was really Brandon by the way he was hitting holes, the same way that Karen Carpenter used to hit the buffet table, with a mixture of fear and confusion.

But, like I said, the Ohio State team bus showed up at halftime and the actual Buckeyes took the field in the second half.  And that was all she wrote.  All of Matt McGloin’s moxie dried up like one of Rhea Perlman’s ovaries and that was that.

Here’s the thing.  When you are a movie star moxie might be a good thing.  I guess.  If you were born in 1927 it’s good.  When you are a football player, moxie is what they say you have instead of actual ability.  You’re good enough to string together a nice little run and maybe pull a few upsets, but in the end, you are what you are…slower, shorter, and weaker than most of the other guys.

And full of moxie.

Me, I’m all for moxie, but I’ll take the guy who’s 6’5” 230lb and runs as fast as I used to be able to run from one end of the shoe store to the other end when I was 6 and my mom took me to get a new pair.  Basically, faster than any human on earth.  Even if there’s no moxie involved.

Next week, the Buckeyes travel to Iowa to take on a Hawkeyes team reeling from an upset at the hands of Northwestern.  Despite the fact that the Hawkeyes seem to have played themselves out of the big ten race, this is still team that should not be overlooked.  QB Ricky Stanzi has a reputation for being able to pull things out in the end, or at least make things very scary.

Personally, I kind of hope that Stanzi gets knocked out early.  Not that I wish anything bad to happen to him.  I just want to get backup QB James Vandenberg in the game.  Because we all know what that means.  That’s right.

James Vandenberg’s Mom

We all know she’ll be there.  And if James is in the game she’ll be up on the screen every set of downs.  Good times.

Iowa is good.  They aren’t as good as Ohio State, but we better not send Dublin Coffman for the first half again.  That might be too much to overcome in Kinnick Stadium.

And by the way, nobody has been able to explain to me why the Buckeyes needed a bus for a home game.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At TV

Glory Daze 10:00 PM Tuesday on TBS

This is an original program being aired by TBS.  As far as I know this is their first attempt at original programming, but I don’t know very far so I may be wrong about that.  I can’t think of anything else and looking it up would go against my lazy nature.

I know nothing about Glory Daze other than what I can gather from the promos.  It’s about a group of kids who go off to college at Indiana in 1986.  What follows appears to be the usual hyjinx and shenanigans, but it might be funny.  The idea is at least worth tuning in once to see what we’ve got.

It that ain’t your thing then tune into Cinemax on Tuesday at 1:00 AM to catch 12 Monkeys.  One of the greatest movies ever, it shot David Morse straight into the “that guy” hall of fame.  My friend Scott and I still have an ongoing argument about what actually happened at the end.  His take on it is refreshing and interesting.  You know, other than being completely wrong.

If 12 Monkeys ain’t your thing either, well…I’ve got no more use for you.

Actor I Will Be Casting In My Movie

Matt Bush

 

Matt Bush is a guy who you probably don’t know yet, but would recognize, even if you’re unable to put your finger on where you recognize him from.  If you take my TV recommendation this week then you will recognize him as one of the main characters in Glory Daze.  Obviously, since that hasn’t aired yet it isn’t what got Matt a part in my movie.

 

You might also recognize him as Tommy Frigo in Adventureland.   I was going to call Adventureland underrated but that isn’t exactly true.  I seem to remember the reviews being pretty good, as they should have been, because it was.  Adventureland is evenrated.  And it stars Matt Bush.  And Matt Bush is funny in it.  But Adventureland isn’t why Matt Bush is in my movie either.

Matt Bush is in my movie because he was that goofy kid in those AT&T rollover minutes commercials from a while back.  That’s right, a commercial.  It’s my movie and I can put anybody in it that I want.  And those commercials cracked me up, especially Matt.  I don’t know why.

Youtube Of The Week

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u617Tj_hyPA

Radiohead is really really good.

One last thing, I realize that my percentages don’t actually add up to 100%.  I’m just seeing if I get any emails about it because I have a theory that very few people actually make it this far.