Written by Michael Kramer

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So I’m watching the Brown’s game with this feeling of dread.  I can’t quite shake it.  Everyone in Cleveland knows the feeling, and I have it in spades.  It started after about the 3^rd or 4^th Jacksonville turnover that turned into nothing.  It was that feeling that the Brown’s luck would soon run out and it would be all over but the crying.  I bet a lot of you who are reading this had the same feeling. 

Unfortunately, it turns out we were right.  The Brown’s luck did run out and we were left once again with that sick feeling that is all so familiar to any Browns fan.  We let another one slip away and all we are left with is the best 3-7 team in football, except maybe Dallas.  And Minnesota.  Possibly San Fransisco. 

But we are sure as hell better than Arizona.  That’s for damn sure.  And I think we are better than a handful of teams with a better record than us too.

So, why is the Brown’s record so bad?  That’s the question I keep asking myself.  Besides the obvious answer, which is they’ve played a brutal schedule so far, the answer is depth.  We have none.  That’s why the Browns lost Sunday. 

When the Browns are at full strength, they are as formidable as any team in the NFL.  They can play with anyone.  But, when there are significant injuries; that’s just too much for this team to overcome. 

When you replace Josh Cribbs, one of the most dynamic return men in the history of the league, with a schmoe named Clifton Smith*, apparently the slowest man available to replace him, that is going to make a difference on the Browns.  And that isn’t even considering the hit that the Brown’s take by not having Cribbs involved in the offense. 

I looked up Clifton Smith.  Can you believe that this schmuck was a Pro-Bowl return man 2 years ago?  It doesn’t make sense.  He looked so sssslllllooooooooooooooooow. 

When you lose Eric Wright, despite the terrible year he’s having, that is going to make a difference as well.  The fact that Eric Wright is a starter tells you what you need to know about the depth in the secondary. 

When your star running back breaks one for 50 yards and needs a quick breather, you need to have a competent replacement.  I’ve seen enough of Mike Bell and his 35 yards on 29 carries to know that the Browns would be better off trying to trick the opposition with a cardboard cutout of Kevin Mack in the backfield. 

When the right side of the line is out and replaced with a rookie at right guard and a 320 lb mound of refried beans with “St Clair*” written on the back, that’s a problem.  All of a sudden your franchise savior goes from “young Joe Montana” to “rookie with no time to throw taking sacks on every drive against a very mediocre defense.” 

*I can’t believe that John St Clair is still a gainfully employed NFL player.  He’s terrible.  I know he’s terrible.  You know he’s terrible.  The coaches HAVE to know he’s terrible.  But, he’s been taking meaningful snaps for the Browns for what seems like 5 years now.  I can’t understand it.  He must have a compromising picture of Eric Mangini that he took in Thailand or something.  That’s the only thing that makes sense.  He’s the Andy Marte of the Cleveland Browns. 

Growing up I read a lot of Dr Seuss books.  The one I was thinking of is called McElligot’s Pool.  It’s no Scrambled Eggs Super, but it’s worth a look.  It’s about a boy who is fishing in a little pond because he’s sure that he will catch some strange and exotic fish that must be lingering just below the surface.  He never really catches anything, but that’s beside the point.  It’s about hope.  Right now, Eric Mangini is fishing for replacements in Savage’s pool.  He’s not getting any bites.  And while he’s fishing, Robert Royal is filling in a tight end and John St. Clair is penciled in at right tackle.

 

Tom Heckert is working hard to restock that pool but it’s going to take some time.  The early results are promising.  When the Browns a hitting on all cylinders they have proven they can beat anyone.  It’s when one of the cylinders isn’t firing that the trouble starts.

 

It isn’t always going to be that way.  I have faith that one more offseason aught to do it.  Two more offseasons might turn us into a juggernaut the likes of which the NFL hasn’t seen since Montana was slinging TD passes to Jerry Rice.  I’m telling you it’s coming.

 

If that boy sitting by McElligot’s Pool can dream about what is just underneath the surface, I can sit by Heckert’s Pool and dream about what will be there. 

If you will it, it is no dream. 

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns 

After just 10 short weeks, the Browns are finally getting to the easy part of the schedule.  I think that most people probably don’t realize this, but the Browns have yet to play a team with a record worse than .500.  It’s really kind of ridiculous actually.  Nine of the teams they’ve played have winning records right now.  The one team with a losing record that the Browns have played is Cincinnati,  who was 2-1 when we played them. 

We broke their spirit.  We crushed them so bad that they have yet to win a game since.  Whne you are feeling a little down about the lack of the results to this Brown’s season, think of that. 

But, for the first time all season, the Browns will be going into a game as the clearcut favorite.  The Carolina Panthers are 1-9 and the worst team in football.  Things are so bad in in Carolina that I bet they would give anything to get Jake Delhomme back…and he’s now our 3^rd string QB. 

If there’s one place that Browns fans can look to feel a little better about themselves it’s Carolina.  So far Jimmy Clausen, the Notre Dame QB who terrified the entire city as a bona fide first round option before the draft, is looking like a possible bust.  Many of you remember that Jimmy was on the short list of Browns draft picks last April.    Instead of Choosing Clausen to fill the obvious hole at QB, Tom Heckert went with cornerback Joe Haden, who looks better and better with each game as he gets more playing time.  

Clausen was still available in the second round when Heckert, proving he knows a lot more about this than me (and pretty much everyone else within 100 miles of Cleveland) passed up Jimmy again in favor of TJ Ward, who in half of a season has become something of a cult hero for Browns fans.  Clausen went in the mid second to the Panthers.  The Browns picked up Colt McCoy in the 3^rd. 

So, who would you rather have?  Jimmy Clausen?  Or TJ Ward and Colt Freakin’ McCoy?  I bet you’d get the same answer if you asked a fan down in Charlotte. 

So the Browns will be taking on the woeful Carolina Panthers next Sunday at Cleveland Browns Stadium starting at 1:00 PM.  It’s a game they should win, and no excuses.  For the first time all year the Browns are clearly the better team.  They should take care of business. 

An awkward Glance Ahead At The Cavs 

SHHH.  I’m still basking in the glow of Rudy Gay hitting that buzzer beater over the Whore of Akron a few days ago to lift the lowly Memphis Grizzlies over the Miami Hype…I mean Heat.

 

Just another minute.

 

I know it’s petty.  I don’t care.

 

Almost done.  Just shedding one final tear for the unfortunate injury to Udonis Haslem.  Man that’s tough.  Feel so bad for them.

 OK. 

The Cavs. 

The Cavs went through last week exactly as they should have.  They won their game against the bad team (Philly) and lost to the good teams (New Orleans and San Antonio).  There is nothing interesting that can be learned from last week.  Even if there was, I’m surely NOT the guy that could figure it out for you. 

The only thing I learned last week is apparently the refs will call a flagrant 2 on you if you go for a block, miss by 3 feet, and smack another player upside the head…ala Joey Graham.  Even if you probably didn’t really mean it.  They will also call a flagrant 1 on you for being slow and not very good…ala Ryan Hollins. 

The good news is that Antawn Jamison appears to be over whatever the heck it was that was ailing his knee.  He should be up on the trading block starting 4 days ago.  In fact, the entire goal with him should be to get him points and rebounds with as little stress to his knee as possible.  

His first chance to do that will come on Tuesday at the Indiana Pacers.  The Pacers and Danny Granger took the Cavs apart a little over a week ago.  I have no idea how the Cavs can hope to contain him this time.  Granger just seems to have the Cavs number.  This is a game where every turnover just means more ping pong balls. 

On Wednesday the Cavs return home to face the Milwaukee Bucks for the first time this year.  The Bucks are in about the same place as the Cavs.  No real hope to accomplish anything of significance, but unwilling to completely tank for a shot at the top draft picks.  It will be a homecoming for Drew Gooden, who has played on every team in the NBA since his departure from Cleveland. 

The most interesting thing about the Bucks is that they have a player who’s name is Luc Richard Mbah a Moute.  Seriously.  Some guy named Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is going to make more money to sit at the end of the bench and be tall than most of us will see this decade.  And we probably don’t have stupid names. 

The whole thing is a travesty. 

I’m calling this one a win.  The Cavs should definitely win at home against any team who has a player with “Mhad a Moute” as only a part of his name. 

Friday, the Cavs travel to Orlando the play the Magic.  My first thought was that Chris Grant should see if he can just go down there and pick up the ping pong balls at the airport, but then I remembered Tiger Woods.  He’s on twitter now.  He’s just a regular guy, like us!  He’ll probably be back courtside now that he’s proven he’s just a regular Joe.  So, I guess the game must be played. 

Put me in the camp that is skeptical of Ryan Hollins’ ability to contain Dwight Howard.

On Saturday, the Cavs come back home to play the Grizzlies.  Memphis is 5-9 coming off a great win against Dwayne Wade’s Miami Heat.  That doesn’t make them a great team.  It does mean that the Heat can be beaten by a team who’s big men are Zach Randolph and Hasheem Thabeet, a #2 pick so good that he was sent to the developmental league last year. 

This game can and should be a win at home for the Cavs.  Put me down for a 2-2 holding steady. 

Also put me down for a future win at home against the Heat with big men Andy Varejao and Ryan Hollins leading the way.  Hey, cut me some slack.  I’m still fishing in Heckert’s pool.

 An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Buckeyes 

There is one game left for the most uninspiring Ohio State Buckeyes team that I can ever remember.  Last week they pulled out a victory, again, against the Iowa Hawkeyes to move to 10-1 and an outside shot at the Rose Bowl.  I don’t know what was more disappointing; the Bucks first half or the fact that there wasn’t a single camera shot of James Vandenberg’s mom the entire game. 

I can’t figure out this team.  On the one hand, they seem to lack any of the real playmakers that have marked the beloved teams of the past, even the ones who fell short of the ultimate goal.  On the other hand, I seem to be constantly disappointed in their play, despite the fact that I acknowledge their lack of playmakers and they are a very respectable 10-1 and likely headed to a BCS Bowl for the 6^th consecutive year and 8 of the last 9 years.  I can’t really put my finger on it, but this team doesn’t really get excited like teams of the past. 

Well, that’s all about to change this week.  It has to.  It’s Michigan week, and no matter what the records are, anyone can win. 

Tressel has had UM’s number since he came to Columbus, losing to the team up north jut once during his tenure.  That should not change this year as the Buckeye’s squad is once again clearly superior to the blue and yellow, piss-stained helmet wearing chumps coached by Dick Rodriguez, who owes a debt of gratitude to the geniuses at Auburn for taking the spotlight of his own sketchy program. 

The Wolverines do have a feisty QB in Denard Robinson, a little QB known for his total annihilation of lesser opponents, injuries against good opponents, and lack of shoelaces (or something).  There is no mistaking Robinson’s abilities.  He can break one at any time.  But, if you can contain him, they appear to have little else that can pick up the slack.  Especially on defense.  Terrelle Pryor and the Buckeyes should roll through the Wolverine’s defense like Tiger Woods rolls through the late shift at the Waffle House. 

If there is one thing that Jim Tressel does well it’s prepare the Buckeyes for the most important of all opponents, and I expect no difference this year.  Expect a thrashing of a completely overmatched Wolverine’s defense and a ticket to the Sugar Bowl (or some other bowl that isn’t the Rose Bowl but better than the Outback Bowl). 

An Awkward Glance Ahead At TV 

Super Troopers  HBO Wednesday 11:50PM

 

I am under no illusion that I am telling most of you something that you don’t already know.  I am fully aware that if you are reading this, you are probably the type of person that has a great appreciation for fine , intelligent comedy.  Super Troopers certainly falls into that category as it takes a true intellectual to fully comprehend the complexity of this glorious cinematic achievement.

 

But, on the off chance that there is someone reading this who has not seen Super Troopers, you must immediately set your DVR to record one of the greatest comedies of all time.  THEN you must watch it at least 8 times.  Preferably if you are with some of you laid back friends and in some sort of altered state.

 

Only then will the true genius of the Broken Lizard gang break through.  And, when it does, it is so worth it.  If you don’t like it I will punch-a-size your face for free. 

If you flat out refuse to improve your life with Super Troopers, then Bikini Jones and the Temple Of Eros is playing on Cinemax on Wednesday at 5:05 AM.  I haven’t seen it, but we’ve all seen it before.

Actor Who I Will Cast In My Movie 

Marisa Coughlan 

In keeping with the Super Troopers theme, I’m presenting Marisa Coughlan, who played Ursula, as the next actor with a definite part in my movie.  Mainly because I love that movie.  Also because I finder her really hot.  I’m not sure what it is about her, but there’s definitely something. 

I‘m sure you’ll agree, if you’re not an idiot.

 

 

 

Youtube Clip Of The Week

True Grit 

Usually I frown upon remakes of movies.  I used to really get up in arms about the whole thing and tell people what a travesty it was when something was made worse in a remake.  Then I got older and realized that I don’t have to give a shit about any of that stuff.  I mean, what do I care if a bunch of teenagers think that the Karate Kid is related to Will Smith? 

But, when I heard about this one I almost had a heart attack.  That is, until I heard who was involved: 

Matt Damon

Josh Brolin

And 'The Dude' as Rooster Cogburn 

That’s right, they are remaking True Grit, with none other than the capable hands of Joel and Ethan Coen at the helm.   It makes me giddy with excitement.  I have all of the confidence that the world that it will be a worthy remake to the magnificent original. 

And here is the trailer.

Mark your calendars dudes.  It’s going to be awesome.