Written by Michael Kramer

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I was wondering how I was possibly going to be able to come up with anything to write this week.  I was effectively cut off from the world since Wednesday morning until I arrived home yesterday at about halftime of the Brown’s game.  Well, I guess I wasn’t cut completely off.  I did have a TV.  This is still America, you know.  But no Interwebs and very spotty cell phone reception made me feel like I was back in the stone ages.

 This past Thanksgiving weekend, my in-laws decided to recreate the harvest festival as if we were Pilgrims on Plymouth Rock back in 1621.  So, we loaded the family up and headed to Hocking Hills down in southern Ohio to rough it in a 3 bedroom log cabin built in 1995 with 2 bathrooms, queen beds, microwave, DirecTv, and a 42 inch flat screen TV.

And a hot tub.  Don’t forget about the Pilgrim’s hot tub.  Why do you think the Native American’s were so friendly?

However, when you are by far the biggest sports/football fan in the group, things can get a little dicey, especially with kids about who start going bonkers if they are deprived of I Carly for any length of time.

It took me 5 hours to get there due to a huge traffic jam in Columbus.  My 2 year old son loudly voiced his displeasure for the last 2 hours of the trip and flat out refused to be reasoned with.  He finally decided that if we continued to ignore his humble demands he was left with no other choice than to puke all over himself about 10 minutes from the cabin.  So, yeah, you could say things got off to a rocky start.

However, make it there we did, and my son forgot all about what he was complaining about when he saw his cousins.  With everyone unpacking and milling about, I sank into the couch right next to the TV remote.  I knew my luck was changing when I discovered that not only was there a flat screen, there was DirecTv.  I says to myself I says: “Hey, I have one of those!  I know all of these channels!”  I grabbed the remote and vowed that I would give it up when it was pried from my cold dead hands.

I was flipping through the channels and in no time I was working on my second Christmas Ale.  A duralog was roaring in the fireplace.   I remembered that the Cavs where playing and I turned the game on.  It was close with about 5 minutes left.  The game was back and forth and seemed to be one of those games that would come down to the last possession.  With a few seconds left and the game tied at 81, Mo Williams got the ball, dribbled to his left, and drained a 15 foot jumper of Brandon Jennings as time expired.  I was out of my seat, overly excited about the play.  My in-laws were giving me glances as if I had a banana sticking out of my ear.  I didn’t care, it was a great finish and just what I needed after a rough day of travel.

The next thing that happens is the remote gets bumped and the channel changes.  I find myself staring at the first hockey action that I’ve seen all year.  I’m not a big Hockey fan.  It’s not that I don’t like hockey.  I do.  It’s just that there’s only so much room in someone’s life, and hockey just never fit.  However, I do follow the Blue Jackets loosely and knew that they had been enjoying a great start to the year.  As luck would have it, there was a minute left and the score was knotted at 3.  Time ended and sudden death was coming up.  Shortly into overtime, a guy with Russian sounding name got off a shot that was deflected and a different guy with a Russian sounding named followed up with the game winning score.  Fifth straight victory by the Blue Jackets.  Let the good times roll!  By this point, everyone in the cabin was getting a little nervous.

After that I’m flipping through the guide and find Heat vs Magic on ESPN.  I decided a few weeks ago that I’m going to stop watching the Heat games that are on, but right then I just couldn’t help myself.  There were 5 minutes left and the Magic were comfortably on top.  The Heat tried in vain to climb back in it for the last 5 minutes but to no avail.  Poor LeBron.  It really was gut wrenching.  I watched with satisfaction as Jameer Nelson got tossed (a pretty weak call if you ask me) for talking a little shit at the Heat (a very little, but apparently enough) and getting T’d up for the second time in the game.  The Heat lost anyway.  That’s the 9-8 Heat, btw.

At this point, despite my earlier proclamation, the remote was pried from my cold, still functioning, hands.  No matter.  It turned out to be a fantastic night.  I could get used to this “roughing it” stuff.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns

 After weeks of losing games that we swear the Browns should have won, karma gave us a little payback and delivered a game that we easily could have lost against the 1-9 Carolina Panthers.  I guess I shouldn’t say that.  The Browns won fair and square, and Peyton Hillis definitely deserved a win in that game, but if the Browns came up short, it would not have been undeserved.

The game started out great for the Browns, with 3 quick TDs to take a commanding 21-7 lead.  And that was only the 2^nd most entertaining element of the afternoon.  The most entertaining thing going on was the debut of Torry Holt, NFL Broadcaster.  At the time, I was unaware that it was Torry’s debut in the broadcast booth.  If I’d have known that up front, I may have been more inclined to cut him a little slack.  But I didn’t know that so I jotted a few of his more enlightening points down.

 His first salient point came as they were showing a graphic explaining that the Carolina QB situation is a mess right now.  It’s jumped from Matt Moore, to Jimmy Clausen, back to Moore, back to Clausen, over to St. Pierre, and once again back to Clausen.  Sensing that it was his time to shine and show the viewers at home just how beneficial it is to have a former pro-bowler in the booth, Torry jumped right in and explained that continuity at the QB position is important, and if there is a lack of continuity, the team is affected.  This was hard hitting, insider information, as far as I was concerned, and I felt smarter for having heard it.

He followed up this point by talking about how he liked Clausen’s “headiness” on a play where Jimmy threw the ball away before he could be sacked.  For some reason the intentional grounding flag, the loss of 13 yards, and the loss of down on the play didn’t seem to bother Torry or detract from the volume of “headiness” on display.  This lead me to believe that I might not understand what people are talking about when they say “headiness”, a scenario that is not unlikely.

Not to be pidgeonholed into analysis exclusively of the QB position, Holt brought his top notch analysis to the running game as well.  When Mike Goodson broke free for a 26 yard TD run to cap the opening drive, Holt astutely announced “this is exactly what the Carolina Panthers want to do in the run game.”  Now, I don’t want you to be too hard on yourself if you, like me, were unable to come to that stunning conclusion independently.  Torry did have a little insider information.  Apparently, prior to the game, Goodson divulged to Holt his secret plan to “just hit the hole.”  It’s brilliant strategy, to say the least.  Thank God Torry Holt was there to explain it all.

All of this startling analysis came during the opening drive. After that, I put my pen down, lest my head explode.

All kidding about Torry Holt aside, the Browns were lucky to escape with the win.  It took a couple of missed field goals to pull it off, but they managed to do it.  And do it without their wunderkind QB, Colt McCoy.  In his place we started Jake Delhomme.  At first I wondered why Jake got the start, as Seneca Wallace seemed to be a better choice.  The only conclusion I could reach is that Eric Mangini wanted Jake in there due to his familiarity with the Panthers (he used to play for them you know), but wouldn’t that familiarity go both ways?  I don’t know.  I know we won, but I sure hope that’s the last I see of poor Jake Delhomme.  When Delhomme scrambles, he makes Bernie Kosar look like Mike Vick.  He’s a good guy, but he’s washed up.  And he panics worse than the rookie McCoy.  After watching that game, I’m even more sure of what we’ve found in McCoy, and I can only hope he hurries back.

Next week, the Browns will be taking their talents, and possibly John St. Clair and Clifton Smith, to South Beach to take on their old nemesis, the Miami Dolphins.  Miami is 6-5 and in the playoff hunt, so don’t expect them to roll over and play dead.

They are armed with a potent passing attack, with Chad Henne (who knew that that guy would be any good?) chucking the rock to Brandon Marshall and our old pal Brian Hartline.  It will be a big test for Sheldon Brown and promising rookie Joe Haden, who got himself another interception yesterday.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hope Eric Wright is ready to go.  We need all of the bodies that we can muster in the secondary.

The only way I can see us pulling it off is to run, run, run with Peyton Hillis.  The Dolphin’s run defense is less than steller and the Browns will need to keep their offense off the field as much as possible.  It really is that simple.

Despite the fact that the Browns are playing a team with a winning record for the 11^th time in 12 games, I’m predicting glorious victory.

An Awkward Look Ahead At The Cavs

Nothing really going on this week.  I think I’ll skip it.

Wait, what?  Oh yeah…that.

OK, I guess we have to talk about it.  LeBron is making his not quite triumphant return to the Q when Dwayne Wade’s Miami Heat rolls up on Thursday with their average record and underwhelming performance so far.  There are only 3 questions I can think of about the Heat right now:  Will LeBron have managed to get his coach fired…again…in less than ¼ of a season?  What team is more miserable, the Heat or the French World Cup Team?  How much time is Udonis Haslem spending with Gloria?

The Heat just look and play like they are absolutely miserable right now.  I love it.  I have no illusions that the Cavs will be able to win on Thursday, so I have to enjoy their misery while I can.

Some other questions: 

1. Will LeBron have the audacity to do his “I’m going to make a talcum powder cloud in the air now” thing?  I’m guessing he will.  He’s nothing if not oblivious.
2. How many Cavs will participate in the love fest with LeBron prior to the game?  I’m guessing all of them.  Hugs all around.  Where’s Charles Oakley when you need him.
3. Will the Q remove all derogatory signs like some people are worried they might? I don’t think so, only the vulgar ones.
4. How many will tWoA score?  At least 50.  I don’t see how anyone other than Dwayne Wade could stop him.  We certainly don’t have anyone.  And Wade will let him go off.
5. Do the Cavs have a chance?  Yes.  Yes they do.  1 in a million is still a chance.
6. Will anyone do anything to threaten LeBron?  I doubt it.

The game tips off on Thursday 8:00 PM.  No matter what happens, it’s not to be missed.

The Cavs also have 3 other games next week.

On Tuesday, they travel to Boston to get their butts kicked…I mean to play the Celtics.  Look, we beat Boston in our first game.  It isn’t going to happen again.  Just enjoy that first one and watch this one (if you must) like it’s a science experiment.

On Saturday and Sunday, the Cavs have back to back away games against Minnesota and Detroit.  I think after a week against the Caltics and the emotional rollercoaster of the Miami game, the Cavs are in for a tough weekend.  The best we can hope for is a split.

Unfortunately, I think it’s way more likely that the Cavs go winless through the next week.  If we pull out one win I’ll be happy.

And if the Cavs do somehow win one, please please please let it be Miami.

Seriously, how great would that win be?

An Awkward Glance Ahead At the Buckeyes

The Buckeyes finish the regular season with another glorious victory over the Michigan Wolverines.  I’ve talked to some people who are starting to feel sorry for Michigan.

I’m not one of them.  This is absolutely awesome.

There was a very dubious start to the game.  I’m not talking about the 3 and outs or the ill fated Michigan drives.  I’m talking about Hocking Hills.

Real quick.  When I agreed to go on this 5 day trip with the in-laws, I had but one humble request.  “I’ll do whatever you want the entire time, but I have to see the game.”  Promises were made.  Well, I should have gotten it in writing.  When game day rolled around it was decided to go check out a cave in the morning.  If my in-laws have a motto it’s this: “Don’t do now what you can put off for a good half hour or 45 minutes by dicking around.”

So that’s how I found myself in a car at 11:15 AM, 45 minutes before kickoff, driving TO a cave in Hocking Hills to better appreciate God’s majestic wonder.  And it was majestic.  There’s no doubting that.  But…you know what I mean.

Luckily, my lovely wife recognized the pain I was in and hurried things along.  I made it back and missed only the first few short minutes of the game.

About the game, I have only this to say:

That was a bullshit holding call and Dane.  Just total BS.  It robbed Herron of one of the great plays of all time made in the greatest rivalry of all time.

That ref should be ashamed of himself.  I hope he feels bad.  Real bad.

Jim Joyce bad.

Now we just wait for the next week to play out to see if we get the invite to the Sugar Bowl or, as unlikely as it is, the Rose Bowl.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At the Tribe

I couldn’t think of anything to look forward to last week and I can’t this week either.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At TV

I didn’t have time to find anything for you this week.  If you can find it, look up Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas.  It is hands down the most underrated Christmas special ever made.  I haven’t seen it on for years, though.

Actor Who I Will Cast In My Movie

 Terrence Hill

Here’s a name that none of you know.  If anyone knows who this is, seek help immediately.

Terrence Hill is the star of one of my favorite movies growing up…Super Fuzz.  It’s about a cop who gets caught on the edge of a nuclear explosion and emerges with super powers.  He can do pretty much anything.  Stop bullets.  Lift cars.  Move things with his mind.

Except, of course, when he sees the color red, which makes perfect sense, when you think about it.

I haven’t seen this movie in decades.  I’m kind of afraid to watch it now, because it could not possibly be as good as I remember it.  That doesn’t matter in my movie.  Terrence Hill has a part reserved.

*BTW – interesting fact about Terrence (real name Mario Girotti).  He lived in Dresden and was there during the WW2 bombings.  So there’s that.

Awesome Youtube Clip of The Week

I’m expanding this to youtube clips or anything else I want it to be.  It’s my column and I’ll damn well do what I please.

This week I want to show you one of my favorite blog posts ever.  It comes from a baseball card blog (one of my juvenile hobbies) called Thorzul Will Rule.  There first time I saw it I laughed my ass off.  It’s short and is SFW.  I hope you enjoy as much as I did. 

A 1982 Topps Melodrama.

I was givin’ it to her, like this.  Ooooooooooh.