Written by Michael Kramer

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Due to the Holiday season and all of the shopping and drinking and buying and drinking and wrapping and drinking and traveling and drinking and eating and drinking, I fell a bit behind this week. I missed most of the Cavs games and had to DVR the Browns game. And, what I did catch is a little hazy and fuzzy. Did I mention the drinking? I love me some Christmas Ale. I don't know how Cleveland sports fans could ever go without it.

Because of the recent festivities, this will be an awkwardly abridged glimpse ahead. It will last (relatively) about as long as the future of Eric Mangini's tenure as the coach of your Cleveland Browns. It will be over soon enough and despite my objections, maybe we will all be better off.

This column will come after the end of a miserable, weeklong catastrophe of Cleveland sports suck the likes of which we haven't seen in damn near 3 weeks or so. The Cavs...winless. The Browns...lost again. The Buckeyes...well...did something bad, I guess. The Tribe...still Puntoless. John St. Claire...he's now two month old fettuccini alfredo left to simmer in the sun on a hot august day and then wrapped in cheesecloth and held together with an ingenious combination of rubber bands, paper clips, and 50 weight ball bearings (it's all ball bearings now-a-days).

It wasn't good.

In 1 week this terrible year of our discontent will be a thing of the past and things will get better.

They have to.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns

In what will most likely be Eric Magini's last game as the head coach, the Cleveland Browns will be playing their most important game of the year. In seasons where the Browns have little hope of reaching the playoffs (and this one definitely qualifies) the home game against Pittsburgh will ALWAYS be the most important game of the year. Anyone who thinks otherwise has already forgotten what it felt like last December when the Browns beat the holy hell out the Yinzers and their morally questionable QB.

This one still matters.

And, it matters all the more this year, as beating the Steelers could drop them from a second seed (and a first round bye) to the 5th seed and a first round game against the Colts or Chiefs. That is a big difference and it gives both teams something to play for.

The lime green with rust coloration lining of that scenario is that it would catapult the Ravens and their A-hole linebacker into the bye instead of the Steelers. But, in life you have to make hard choices. I think I can speak for most Browns fans when I say that, when given the choice, I'd stick it to the Steelers every time.

Besides, Ray Lewis hasn't killed anyone in, like, forever. And Roethlisberger hasn't even gone a year yet between his rapes. So the law would be on our side too. (At least I think that's how it works. I'm not a lawyer, but I did take a semester of symbolic logic in college where I learned that, according to my professor, "you can't just willy nilly make everything in the universe a cow.")

So, next week at 1pm, The Browns will hopefully be sending the Steelers to the 5th seed and Mangini into a forced sabbatical, despite my feeling that he deserves another year. But, holmgren didn't ask me and the writing is on the wall. Let's hope that Chucky can continue to build.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Cavs

OK, so my prediction that the Cavs would end last week with a record of 2-1 was a little off. So what. It was only off by 2 games. And the last game was damn close so it hardly even counts as a loss.

The Cavs, much to my chagrin and disappointment, lost all 3 games last week and are on another losing streak with no obvious end in site. That is because, when you are the 2010/11 Cavs, there are no teams (none) that you are obviously better than.  Therefore, obvious wins don't show as simmering neon signs that you'd see at night while driving across the dessert.    No, the Cavs next win shows up more like a white sign 100 yards off in the middle of a snowstrorm.  It's out there somewhere.  It has to be.

The Cavs have lost 3 in a row and 13 of their last 14 games. But 14 is kind of arbitrary, so you could also say that they have lost 17 of 20, 19 of 23, or ...well...22 of 30, which brings us to the start of the season. Any way you want to slice it, it isn't pretty.

You could even say that they've lost 25 of their last 33, but I don't like to lump those games from last year in. Last year we lost the last 3 games against the Celtics because some dude didn't seem to play very hard. This year, the Cavs just suck, so it's easier to take those losses.

The fact that what's-his-nuts said a bunch of stupid things and then went out and had triple double on Christmas against the Lakers just makes last week even worse for Cavs fans. This season cannot end soon enough, and so far it seems like the players agree.

But it's not all doom and gloom on the horizon. We're almost assured of a lockout. My fondest wish is for scrubs. I have no doubt that Dan Gilbert would bring in the finest scrubs that money can buy and the Cavs will once again look down upon the rest of the NBA like Yertle the Turtle.  It would also be fun to see Bobby Sura back in a Cavs uniform.

None of that will help this coming week when the Cavs have 4 games, 3 of which they don't have the slimmest chance in hell of winning.

Tuesday Dec 28 vs Orlando 7:00: C'mon, be serious. You may not have noticed but home court advantage doesn't seem to be as advantageous as it used to be.

Wednesday Dec 29 at Charlotte 7:00: This one would be winnable, if it wasn't for the fact that it is the second night of a back to back on the road. If you think we can beat a 9 win Bobcat team who just lost their coach consider this: DeSagana Diop is their 3rd center (behind Kwame Freakin' Brown) and he would probably start on the Cavs.

Yes. We are that bad.

We are not winning the second game of a back to back no matter who the opponent is.

Saturday Jan 1 at Chicago 7:00: C'mon, be serious.

Sunday Jan 2 vs Dallas 7:/00: Ibid

0-4 for the Cavs this week and lots, lots more ping pong balls. I'll let you know what the odds are after I check my Mega Millions numbers on Tuesday night.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Buckeyes

Hopefully not a damn thing.

Here's hoping that none of the Buckeyes decide to sell anything that is rightfully theirs and anyone else in the free world could sell with no consequences whatsoever. Because if any of the Buckeyes get caught this week selling something that is rightfully theirs and anyone else in the entire world could sell with absolutely no consequences whatsoever, the NCAA would have no choice but to take action.

You know, for the integrity of the sport.

However, if any Buckeye decides that they want to sell some of their own stuff, I hope they have the vision and foresight to at least have their dad or their uncle or their cousin or someone do it for them.

Because then it would be cool.  No problem at all.

In fact, here's a great idea I just thought of. (No shit, I am literally just thinking of this as I'm typing. Here's hoping that it's as ground breakingly awesome as it sounds to me as it's rattling around in my head.)

Do you remember The 40 Year Old Virgin? Of course you do. Do you remember that scene where Steve Carell was playing poker with Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, and Romany Malco? And he was talking about how boobs felt like bags of sand? And that's how the other guys figured out that Carell was a virgin? That was a pretty funny scene. But that's not the scene that I'm going to talk about here. (In fact, it's kind of pointless for you to even bring it up).

No. I'm thinking about that business that Catherine Keener is running in the movie called "I'll Sell Your Stuff On eBay." I want to set up something like that for college athletes. If a college athlete has something that they own, and rightfully belongs to them, and they want to sell (like everyone else on the face of the earth is allowed to do) they can bring it to me at my store and I'll sell it for them.

Here's how it works: The athlete comes into the store and I legally adopt them. We have all of the paperwork ready to go. All it takes is a few minutes to fill in a few names. We would have a notary and a lawyer right there. We could get Tim Mastny or the Elk and Elk guy with the hilarious comb over to do it.

When the player leaves, he "accidentally" leaves whatever item he wants me to sell. I sell it for him and then send him the cash (minus 30% for my trouble) as an early birthday present because he's my son and I love him.  He never even has to know what I'm doing.   Maybe I'll send the money to him with some cookies in a care package. Maybe Jonah Hill comes in and wants to buy some golden pants, saving me the eBay fees.  The possibilities are endless and it's all legit.

I'm telling you it's foolproof. The NCAA couldn't touch us. Somebody needs to do this. There are a lot of players out there who need to feed their families and get tattoos and the NCAA is leaving them no recourse.

Actor Who Will Be In My Movie

Zooey Deschanel

I know my movie has so far supported actors who have been in somewhat lesser roles, but in Zooey's case I have made an exception and added a bonafide star. I'm completely smitten with Zooey and it's cool. My wife is fine with it, partly because I think she's a little smitten herself. That's what Zooey does; she smits people.

I thought of her in the AGA column this week due to her turn as Will Ferrell's love interest in Elf (it is Christmas you know), but that's not why she's in the cast. Nor is it her role in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, or The Good Girl, or Mumford, or 500 Days of Summer. (Most of which would have gotten her there).

No, she's been on my cast list ever since I first saw her as Williams's big sister in Almost Famous. When she sits William down and gives him her record collection, or when she play Simon and Garfunkel for her mom. Mostly for when she runs into William at the airport towards the end in her stewardess getup.

Damn. Zooey Deschanel is in my movie. She's the lead.

One Day You'll Be Cool

Youtube Clip Of The Week

Steelers Week