Written by Jonathan Knight

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As much as I respect the effort and skill that go into creating sports video games these days and am blown away by the features and the graphics and all that, I am unable to jump on the bandwagon and actually play any of them. 

 

I know this lands me in the minority of strapping young gentlemen my age, but I must confess complete aversion. Not for any morally superior reason - like by not playing I’m able to spend more time doing respectable things like knitting or reading the Bible - but rather because I have the technical aptitude of a Mandrill. To me, being able to achieve awesomeness at such a complex entity is the equivalent of earning a Ph.D. And much more useful.

 

In fact, I have a feeling most NFL coaches would admit that playing Madden is actually more difficult than coaching an NFL game, particularly since many of them have not been graced with the privilege of opposable thumbs. Just too many damn buttons, man, and way too many plays to choose from, both offensive and defensive. And since there’s no way to cheat by spying on your opponents, we know Bill Belichick would suck at it as much as I do.

 

On the rare occasion I do sit down with one of those controllers that looks like something Jack Bauer would have 40 seconds to defuse, I wind up simply embarrassing myself. Like Jake Delhomme, I’ll run the same pass play over and over until it works. And on defense, I generally get bored quickly and will call for a punt rush formation on second-and-four just to see what happens.

 

While I tend to avoid the Madden games and the NFL Y2K or whatever the hell it’s called, don’t leave here today thinking I’m a video game player hater. Rather, I embrace the old school. My love is eight bits wide and is celebrated with two buttons and a teeny control pad the size of my thumbprint.

Three words, friends:

 

Tecmo.

 

 

Super.

 

 

Bowl.

2011 will mark the 20th anniversary of the creation of greatest video game ever invented, one that I still play regularly and get more satisfaction out of than any job I’ve ever held.

It’s simple to play and easy to succeed, but like a 19th-century Russian novel, opens itself up to endless subplots and subsidiary quests within the primary quests.

It is in this spirit and in commemoration of an historic milestone in American history that I celebrate TSB and all I’ve learned from it, both in football and in life.

And so, in its honor, here is just a small sampling of the profound lessons I’ve learned from Tecmo Super Bowl and carry with me each and every day:

- Each NFL team enters every game able to run eight offensive plays. (Which is actually three more than Brian Daboll-led offenses generally run).

- A defensive coordinator’s job is entirely based on guesswork - he has a perfectly random one in eight chance of being successful on any given play.

- The Super Bowl halftime show always consists of demons wearing capes who dance to horrible music. And yes, it always sucks.

- Even if a wide receiver who’s caught a pass has a 60-yard lead on a defensive back, he will be caught and tackled.

- You cannot tackle Bo Jackson. Don’t try.

- Nurses will always wave from the roof of the hospital when a player comes off IR.

- There is no such thing as weather.

- Bernie Kosar can’t run.

- If your kicker feels good, a 70-yard field goal isn’t out of the question.

- To escape the pressures of fame he encountered throughout his career, Bernie Kosar adopted the secret identity of “QB Browns.”

- If a nose tackle dives through the legs of the opposing center, he is unstoppable.

- The New England Patriots’ uniforms look like Victoria’s Secret panties.

- Eric Dickerson does not exist.

- The Cincinnati Bengals entire offense is based on chicanery and cheap tricks.

- Never throw a pass if your receiver is covered. Or if you’re Bubby Brister.

- If you are foolish enough to run a play in his direction, Lawrence Taylor will kill you. Or, if you are a 16-year-old prostitute, have non-consensual sex with you.

- Vernon Joines and John Talley were once a big part of the Browns’ offense. And we look back on that as a golden era.

- A decent kickoff return can eat up 40% of the first quarter.

- Never run Eric Metcalf up the middle.

- With each snap of a football, somewhere, a mediocre synthesizer player begins rocking out.

- It is impossible to block a punt.

- A fumble can bounce around for up to 17 seconds and travel 35 yards before anyone touches it.

- If a player is hurt during a game, there is no fucking way he’s coming back. 

- The crowds at an NFL game are made up of faceless, soulless beings who slowly bob up and down throughout the course of the game. (In other words, Pittsburgh.)

- A tipped pass cannot be intercepted. Just accept it.

- Play-action passes never fool anybody. 

- If your team wins a division title, you instantly become fat and begin smiling like a southern politician from the 1930s.

- If your team wins the Super Bowl, the players will lift you on their shoulders and not at all be disturbed by the fact that your facial features and body shape are completely different from when you won the division six weeks earlier.

- If a tailback breaks off a 90-yard run but fumbles at the end of it, statistically he doesn’t get dick.

- An onside kick is a coup de etat packed into three seconds. And there is no way to increase your chances of recovering it.

- Even if an injured player’s neck is broken and he has no feeling in his legs, two trainers will throw his arms around their shoulders and help him walk off the field.

- When a kicker prepares to kick off, he sees the Death Star tractor beam indicator in his head.

- You can accidentally punt on first down.

- No matter how far out of range a field goal attempt is, it will fall three yards short of the crossbar.

- You have to purposely try to miss an extra point for it to actually happen.

- When a quarterback drops back to pass, he sees a little flashing triangle over his intended receiver. My theory is that Derek Anderson was often distracted by these.

- Not unlike the 2010 Browns, you’re lucky if you get to run 30 offensive plays in a game.

- If you punt - no matter the yardage needed or game situation - you are a pussy.

- If any defensive player is touched by an offensive lineman in pursuit of a ballcarrier, he will be catapulted about 15 yards sideways and crumple to the ground like Lee Harvey Oswald in the basement of Dallas Police headquarters.

- Even if your opponent is down 84-7, he will still call his time outs in the final minutes in a desperate attempt to get back into the game.

- Mike Pagel is, at best, a short-term solution.

- “Touchdown” is actually two words.

- After a running back scores a touchdown, he will leap up into the arms of an offensive lineman who will hoist him up and, for a painfully long moment, find himself in an unsettlingly ideal position to offer fellatio.

- If a running back averages less than 10 yards per carry, he is utterly worthless.

- The safest past you can throw is to a receiver who is standing perfectly still. (Somewhere, Brady Quinn is nodding and saying “I told you so.”)

- You know it’s halftime when a cute girl in a black sports bra puts her arms over head, closes her eyes, and puckers her lips in your direction. (I’ve spent the last 20 years searching the world for this girl. If you spot her, let me know - she likes me.)

- Even if a quarterback is tackled, knocked unconscious, or killed before a receiver starts heading his way on a flea flicker, the receiver will still toss the ball into the empty space where the quarterback used to be. From this (and Andre Rison), we can conclude that receivers are mindless imbeciles.

And finally, the most important lesson of all:

- Every single season, the Browns perpetually suck.

Some would call Tecmo Super Bowl an electronic social crutch for a generation of developing sports dorks who had yet to discover girls. Others would call it a catalyst for the imagination and a subtle spark helping fuel a lifelong passion for football that carried over to when we became adults...and still had yet to discover girls.

Either way, I’ll forever be indebted to Tecmo Super Bowl for all the vicarious teenage excitement it provided back in the day. Perhaps even more valuable is the lesson it delivers today - that even after watching the Browns piss away yet another season, football is supposed to be fun.

Good night, Mighty Bombjacks...wherever you are.