Written by Michael Kramer

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It's finally over. 2010, possibly the worst year in the history of Cleveland sports, is a memory. Maybe that's an overstatement, but it's at least the worst year for Cleveland sports since 2009. It came to a horrific, but probably fitting end, with the Browns once again being embarrassed at home by the one team against who a victory can take much of the sting out of another hopeless season.

The Browns managed to keep the game close for one play, after which the talent and motivation gap was too much to overcome. After an interception off of the hands of Ben Watson on the second play of the game, the Steeler's morally objectionable QB launched a perfectly thrown TD pass 56 yards to put the game out of reach. 3 total plays. 45 seconds. Game over. This was, of course, followed by Ian Eagle (or maybe it was the other guy) declaring that this is a good way for the Steelers to try to start the game, or something to that effect.

Yes, to be sure, more teams should try to start the game with an interception and 56 yard TD pass. Good idea. It's just another nail in Mangini's and DaBoll's offense that they didn't think of it first. Not that those particular coffins needed any more nails. I have a feeling that those coffins have been nailed shut for a few weeks now. It's probably going to be another clean sweep of the coaching staff and another new beginning for the Browns. And that probably includes everybody's favorite defensive coordinator, Rob Ryan, architect of the vaunted bend but don't break a sweat defense.

Meh

I'm done caring. I tried to defend Mangini et al. I've run out of arguments. The team played hard for him, I guess. They were better than last year, I guess. They are on the right track, I guess. I just can't really point to anything to support those conclusions. Let's face it. Charged with the task of playing their biggest rival in the one game of the year that matters, the Browns went out in front of the home crowd and took a giant dump.

As Jeffrey Lebowski (The other Lebowski. The deadbeat) might say, the plane has crashed into the mountain.

In that little analogy Mike Holmgren would be the Big Lebowski (I guess that makes Heckert the character Brandt).

He will not abide another toe.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns

Now that the season is over, the Browns will be able to prepare for their Super Bowl, the draft. But, that is months away. Before that starts, there will be a new head coach in place. So, let's glance ahead at a few likely candidates.

1. Brad Childress – A few weeks ago I went to ESPN.com and saw a headline alluding to the fact that Childress might be on the short list for Browns head coach (you know, in the event that Mangini would get canned). It was an insider article, and since I'm not an insider I couldn't read it. That was probably for the best, because if the article was convincing enough I'm not sure I would have gotten even a single hour of sleep. The idea of Brad Childress coming to the rescue is positively terrifying. Let's forget I mentioned it. It's not going to happen.

2. Marty Mornhinweg – This doesn't scare me like it did a few weeks ago. He's obviously a good offensive coordinator. I might be wrong, but I think I remember football outsiders naming him the most likely successful next head coach or something too. But it's hard to separate him from that Matt Millen Detroit stink. It would be like the Indians hiring Manny Acta after a historically bad run in Washington, or something ridiculous like that. That would just never happen.

3. John Harbaugh – OK, I know this will never happen. But it's fun to think about somehow getting the Harbaugh/Andrew Luck package deal.

4. The Walrus – There's just enough speculation that Mike Holmgren will be stepping back onto the sidelines that it makes me nervous. I like Holmgren as a coach, but I don't want to mess up the structure of the franchise, which is probably right for the first time since they returned. I hope it doesn't happen. Although, I freely admit it would take me all of 5 minutes to talk myself into it if it should happen.

5. Jon Gruden – This makes the most sense to me. Is there anyone out there that doesn't see this one happening? Personally, I think Chucky is in place before the end of the week. I'm fine with that.

Let's get on with it.

By the way, in that earlier The Big Lebowski analogy, Rex Ryan's wife would be the Aimee Mann character.

Right?

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Cavs

(Like I did a few weeks ago, I'm going to assume that the Cavs will lose tonight, despite the fact that the game has yet to start. I feel perfectly comfortable risking it.)

The Cavs finished last week 0-4 bringing their season record to 8-26. This would put the on pace to finish the season at an uninspiring 19-63. Bad, to be sure, but not historically bad.

I'm going to go all mathy on you. If you just take the last 18 games and extrapolate it out for the rest of the season (and I think this is a reasonable thing to do), that would make a winning percentage over the final 48 games of around 0.055% which translates to a little less than 3 more wins. Add that to the current record and you arrive at a final record of 11-71 (10-72 if you decide to round down).

The all time worst record resides in Philly. The 76ers of 72/73 went an astounding 9-73. I'm telling you, these Cavs are not far off. I know we have 8 wins already, but I think 8-74 is doable.

Yes we can.

Other fun extrapolatable stuff:

The Cavs were outscored 32-9 in the third quarter Saturday. Over a whole game that would be 128-36, a margin of victory of 92. This margin of victory would crush the previous record of 68 held by...

The Cleveland Cavaliers!

They beat the Miami Heat by 68 back in 1991. See how it all comes full circle?

I also checked to see if 9 points in a quarter was the lowest. Not even close. The Mavericks and Warriors have both scored only 2 points in a quarter. That boggled my mind.

Anyway, enough of that.

Coming up this week for the Cleveland Ping Pong Balls:

Wed Jan 5th vs the Toronto Raptors – Toronto has handled the departure of Bosh better than the Cavs have handled their situation, but not by much. Both of these teams suck. And, it's long been my policy that if 2 crappy teams are playing, I'm going with the one who has Reggie Evans. Reggie Evans is a badass. At least I think he is. Maybe I just assume that because he's bald but has a beard. Remember how much of a badass everybody thought Kimbo Slice was before he started fighting real people? That's how I think of Reggie Evans, as a youtube Kimbo Slice. I wish the Cavs had Reggie Evans.

Fri Jan 7th at the Golden State Warriors - The Warriors suck. Not bad enough for the Cavs to beat them on the road, mind you. But that doesn't make them good. And what's with this "Golden State" malarkey? What's that all about? I've always wondered that. You're Oakland. Get over it.

Sunday Jan 9th at the Phoenix Suns – I know the Suns are under .500 on the season, but the Cavs are not going on the road and beating a team with Steve Nash and Garret Siler. I admit that Siler probably has less to do with it than Nash.

0-3 for the Cavs this week.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Tribe

There's been a lot of talk this week about the Dolans shopping the Tribe. It seems too good to be true.

But, if it is true, please let it be Mark Cuban. We need a guy with more money than he knows what to do with, who doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks about him. If Cleveland wants a baseball team with a chance to compete more than once every 6-7 years, it needs an owner who is willing to go into the red occasionally.

I understand the reason for the way rebuilds have to be done in Cleveland. The Indians cannot afford top shelf free agents, even their own, in years where the talent isn't there to make a run at the playoffs.

After the 2007 playoff run, the Indians tanked right out of the gate in 2008. It sucked, but it was painfully obvious that the window had closed. Bye Bye CC. Bye Bye Victor. There was no way to afford those guys. But with a multibillionaire owner, maybe the Tribe can afford to sign someone to an expensive long term contract with the intention of getting things back on track in a year or 2 instead of having to completely tear it down and hope the prospects all hit in 4-5 years.

I don't know. Maybe it's ridiculous to think that someone will willingly run a business at a loss for any length of time. But, I do know that if anyone would, it would be an ultra competitive guy like Cuban. And if a guy like that gets his foot in the door in a small market like Cleveland, maybe some real change would eventually occur to level that playing field once and for all.

Wishful thinking.

Oh well, only about 6 weeks until pitchers and catchers report. And from there it's not too long before we get our first glance at Jack Hannahan. Let the good times roll.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Buckeyes

It's finally here.

The Buckeyes will be taking the field on Tueday at 8:30 down in New Orleans in the Sugar Bowl. The opponent is the Arkansas Razorbacks and former Michigan QB, Ryan Mallet. It's the latest chance for the Buckeyes to get off the schneid against an SEC opponent. You may not have heard this before, but the Buckeyes are something like 0-748 against the SEC in Bowl games.

This game has the extra intrigue of the recent scandal involving 5 Buckeyes starters who were suspended for next season after selling some awards and trinkets they had won. (I'm sure you heard about it). The hell of it is, all these guys wanted to do is to feed their poor starving families (and get tattoos).

Well, Jim Tressel was having none of it. He laid down the law and made the guys promise to return next season to take their medicine, in a completely non-binding way. I've heard a lot of speculation that the guys will back out of their promises to him and go to the draft anyway. I wouldn't put money on it, but I don't agree with that. I think all of those guys will be coming back. I just can't imagine them lying to his face like that.

Stop laughing, I'm serious.

The solution to this seems pretty obvious to me. You put a big trophy case somewhere that holds all of the honors and awards that any Buckeye player receives. They go on display until the players graduate or otherwise leave the program. Then, they get to take their awards with them. Simple. Why wouldn't this work?

As far as the game goes, I think this is our year. I'll take the Buckeyes in a blowout.

Actor Who Will Be In My Movie

William Atherton

I asked my brother who I should put in my movie. His immediate response was William Atherton. His acting credits are long and distinguished. (William Atherton's. Not my brother's.) You might recognize him as the sleazy TV reporter who damn near gets Bonnie Bedelia killed in Die Hard. Or you might remember him as the sleazy (and allegedly dickless) Walter Peck in Ghostbusters. Both worthy roles.

But William is in my movie for (as my brother pointed out to me) nailing Sherry Nugil in Real Genius, where he played the sleazy Professor Jerry Hathaway. This, of course happened before his house was blown up with popcorn*

So for that role, William Atherton gets a part in my movie. I'm sure I'll have a character sleazy enough.

*That's one thing that always bothered me about Real Genius. The popcorn thing, well, it just wouldn't work. Look, these are obviously very bright kids, and with Lazlo Hollyfeld on your side I guess anything is possible. But, in just a few hours, these kids were somehow able to locate and transport the most giant metal bowl in the history of the world. Even if you suspend your disbelief about even getting the bowl, how the hell did they get it into the house? There's no way that thing fit through the door or a window.

Now, I know that the house was under construction and Jerry was a real horse's ass to the labor. Maybe the workers agreed to help out with these little shenanigans. So let's assume that the contractor somehow, in a few hours widened a doorway enough to get the bowl in and maneuver it through the house to the living room. He still had to reconstruct the wall and paint it with no trace of anything. Under that time constraint? Color me skeptical.

And then there's the popcorn itself. It's not like they could run to the nearest Piggly Wiggly and pick up 5 tons of unpopped popcorn. Even if the store had just gotten a new shipment that morning and had that much popcorn, they would have no way to transport it. What were they using, Kent's car? That little yellow thing? No way. It would take 15-20 trips to get the job done. That's not enough time. Besides, the last time we saw Kent's car it was on hydraulics in his dorm room.

Where did they get the scratch to fund such a venture anyway? I have no idea what popcorn costs when you buy it in bulk, but I'm sure it wasn't cheap. Not in that quantity. Don't forget, this was well before Lazlo struck it rich in the sweepstakes. Who got all of that popcorn in there anyway? Chris and Mitch were off breaking into a secure government facility (with a fake mustache) that was testing a new top secret weapon. Lazlo and the hyper girl (who committed statutory rape on Mitch) where at the computer running the operation. That only leaves the Asian guy and Kent. And you know Kent wasn't helping.

I don't know. I guess anything is possible for a group of kids who figured out how to make a solid laser out of a stick of frozen nitrogen. I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying it's a little fishy.

YouTube Of The Week

In honor of the new year.

I'll approach the coming seasons the way all good Cleveland fans do. I'll be Optimistic.

*If I had any photoshop skills I would have photshopped Holmgren and Heckert onto Lebowski and Brandt.  I would have also put Mangini and Ryan on The Dude and Walter.  It would have been awesome.

If I knew how to photoshop.  Which I don't.