Written by Michael Kramer

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I've been thinking about the Browns. Cleveland fans tend to do that, especially around this time of year, when things are really starting to get exciting. The NFL playoffs are in full swing, giving Browns fans our annual "It won't be long now. We're right around the corner. We have to be." feeling as we watch the games while trying to decide exactly what has to be done to turn Colt McCoy into Aaron Rogers. Because there is no question that McCoy can be Rogers. The only question is whether or not the Browns will ruin him before it happens.

It's also the time of year when all of the gloriously talented underclass saviors begin to declare themselves eligible for the draft. Even the one's we don't want have the potential to push the ones we do want right into our lap. It's the beginning of almost 4 months of glorious speculation, wishful thinking, and delusions of grandeur that next year we will have left that corner in the dust.

And, it's that time of year (it seems like an annual thing, doesn't it?) when the speculation is running rampant about the new head coach who is going to lead us to certain glory. This time it will be right. This time we will finally get a Belichick in Cleveland. And this time we won't run his ass out of town once he's here.

And, for the first time in 6 years I believe all of these things at the same time. Why?

Mike Holmgren.

Mike Holmgren the president of the Cleveland Browns. The Superbowl winning coach. The guy who hire Tom Heckert who came in and ran the best draft in New Browns history, by a wide margin. Mike Holmgren the football man with a rolodex of movers and shakers league wide. Mike Holmgren the man who personally drafted Colt McCoy. Master of the vaunted West Coast Offense, the unstoppable precision, chess-like offense that will light up the Cleveland sky so bright that Dick LeBeau's head will spin. The crane kick of NFL offenses. It will be ours.

All because of Mike Holmgren, in whom we trust. He is the one who will provide the stability and bring in the coach who will run the offense that will win enough games to bring us the Super Bowl that will give our lives meaning.

Because Mike Holmgren is our Bill Parcells. The genius. The maker of franchises. The restorer of glory. The Mike Holmes of the NFL. He comes in, figures out what's broken, and he FIXES it. In fact, Mike Holmes is the Bill Parcells of home improvement. He'll know what to do. And, in the end, he is going to leave the Browns a well run, talented, glorious franchise that we've been dreaming about for over 20 years. If you have any doubts about this, look no further than Miami, where Parcells' latest reclamation project is a well oiled machine. The pride of the NFL and the envy of all franchises. The standard bearer of stability and sound decision making. The...

Wait what? Miami's a mess right now?

Screw it. When do pitchers and catchers report?

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns

What do the Browns have to look forward to this week? Possibly a new coach. They've already conducted a few interviews and surely have a few more scheduled. We don't know for sure who's been contacted because Holmgren is treating this coaching search the way Mangini treats QB decisions. All that's left is the never ending speculation, which, to be honest, is what we do best in Cleveland, so maybe I shouldn't complain about it. Because of this, it's hard to walk down the street in Cleveland without tripping over a list of possible Browns head coaches. But, just in case you missed all that, here's a...um...list:

1. Pat Shurmur – current offensive coordinator of the St. Louis Rams and the apparent leader in the clubhouse for the job. He's allegedly high on Holmgren's list because he would run a west coast offense. He's also the nephew of Holmgren's former defensive coordinator, Fritz Shurmur. This can lead us to at least one undeniable conclusion; Pat Shurmur's grandfather had a son and decided to name him Fritz. I don't know what that means, but it means something.

2. Mike Mularkey – current offensive coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons. Mike was interviewed on Saturday and generated about as much buzz as Rich Rodriguez is making for the opening at Stanford. I don't know what the difference between him and Shurmur is, but he seems like a long shot. If he's the next coach I'll eat a moderately sized plate of sweet potato fries. Since, I have a mild dislike for sweet potatoes, you can pretty much take this one to the bank.

3. Perry Fewell – current defensive coordinator of the Giants. Every list that you read (and now this one, I guess) feels compelled to follow up mention of Perry Fewell with the fact that he will be fulfilling the Rooney Rule. I wish they'd stop doing that. This dude seems like he would make a good coach and I think implying that the rule is the only reason that he's getting interviewed sells him short. He's not going to get the job in Cleveland, but that's not because he's not qualified. Mike Holmgren will be hiring an offensive minded coach who runs a west coast offense. It's is as simple as that. Of this I am lima bean sure. And when I start talking about eating lima beans I am as serious as a heart attack. This is way past sweet potato fry sure.

4. Marty Mornhinweg – current offensive coordinator of the Eagles and former head coach of the Lions. About a week ago I was able to talk myself into giving Marty a chance. I've been unable to sustain that outlook. Marty just has that Matt Millen stink all over him. And Matt Millen stink is like the stink of Jerry Seinfeld's car, gross anatomy lab, your grandma's kitchen (if she's been smoking 2 packs a day in there since she bought the house in 1939), and John Witherspoon's bathroom in Friday. It's not that it's impossible for Marty to be a good head coach. Sure, he might be. But, he also might be the worst head coach in the history of the world. I don't think he's worth the risk.

5. Brad Childress - Wait what? Who's the asshole that keeps putting this guy on the list? It's not happening. I personally guarantee it's not happening. If it happens I will commit Harry Caray on the 50 yard line after eating a 5 pound bag of lima beans. He would, however, be a perfectly acceptable coordinator.

6. John Gruden – Well, he keeps getting brought up, but it's looking less and less likely. Absolutely no buzz. Bummer.

7. John Fox – Surprisingly little buzz about this guy too.

Right now it's looking like it will probably be an offensive coordinator who runs a west coast offense, which makes the list pretty short actually. Then again, you have probably all realized that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. And that's OK, because only one guy needs know. Mike Holmgren. He's the guy that we have to trust to make the right decision. This is good, because he knows more about it than any of us anyway. On that I'd bet a giant pile of lima beans.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Cavs

This week the Cavs plan to continue their community outreach program. They have recently been extending 2nd, 3rd, or sometimes 13th chances to the homeless of Ohio. You have no doubt heard about the homeless man with the golden voice who became a youtube sensation and was offered a job in some as yet undetermined capacity. I'm pretty sure Samardo Samuels was also part of that outreach and he was also called up from the D League to try to help out, also in an undetermined capacity. This is important work and I, for one, hope the Cavs continue to set a good example by continuing this program. I, and the Cavs, ask for nothing but ping pong balls in return.

Despite their poor performance as of late, the Cavs haven't yet lost their ability to surprise me. Just last night I turned on the game and was surprised by 3 things.

First, I was surprised to find that Christian Eyenga is with the Cavs. I thought he was playing on the Cavs Congo team in Africa or something.

Second, I was surprised that he was replacing Alonzo Gee in the starting lineup. This is surprising in that I had no idea there was a person named Alonzo Gee on the face of the earth, much less starting at guard for the Cavs, the NBA's leader in wins for the previous two seasons. (Yes, that Cavs) I'm looking into it to see if Alonzo is part of that afore mentioned community outreach.

Third, I was surprised to find that the Cavs still have enough players without injuries that they can field an entire team.

For the two of you that watched the game last night, as far as I know the Suns haven't joined in with the Cavs and their "give homeless people jobs" campaign. That was just Robin Lopez. He looks like that on purpose.

Despite their valiant effort last night, the Cavs finished up the week with another 0fer and now sit at a ping-pong-a-licious 8-29. Things will not get any easier from here on out for the Cavs, due mostly to the simple fact that they are worse than every other team. It makes for a tough schedule when everybody's better than you.

Coming up:

Tuesday 1/11 at LA Lakers – The Cavs would get crushed even if there was some giant screw-up and the Clippers showed up at the Staples Center instead of the Lakers. At least then we'd get to see Blake Griffin before his knee blows again.

Friday 1/14 at Utah Jazz – Remember back in the good old days when there where rumors we might be able to get Al Jefferson to Cleveland to team up with LeBron? You know, as a fall back option? Yeah, try not to think about that Friday as he's dropping 30 on us.

Saturday 1/15 at Denver Nuggets – They may still have Melo. They may not. I can't possibly see how it could matter.

That's 3 away games for the Cavs next, all against teams over .500.

My Prediction?

Pain

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Tribe

The Indians will continue to be Cleveland's major league baseball team. I have no reason to think that they will not be.

Actor Who Will Be In My Movie

Pete Postlethwaite

Pete (I like to call him Pete so I don't have to type his last name) is an actor that everyone recognizes. He's been in way too many movies to list during a career that spanned 35 years, mostly in supporting roles. I've never seen him NOT be tremendous no matter what he's doing.

He was one of the doomed inmates on the prison planet in Alien 3. He shared the screen with Daniel Day-Lewis in both Last of the Mohicans and In the Name of the Father. Just last year he was in The Town, Clash of the Titans, and Inception.

Not exactly a lightweight.

But, I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of you who are reading this saw that picture and said "Hey, that's that guy...Kobayashi. From The Usual Suspects." One of my favorite movies. One of my favorite characters. Nobody else could have done it like Pete.

Last Sunday, January 2nd, Pete Postlethwaite passed away at the age of 64 with hardly a mention anywhere.

I don't care. He's in my movie anyway. I won't have to write a special part for him. The guy could play anything.

Youtube Of The Week

I used to think this was just a movie scene. That is, until this very thing damn near happened to one of our most esteemed TCF writers last week. Thankfully, he pulled through. This weeks clip honors him.