Written by Michael Kramer

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The Browns have a new coach, Pat Shurmur, or as the brilliant Chris Hutchinson has declared, Paddy O'Shurmur. Personally, I kind of like "Patches McShurmur", but I'm nothing if not a team player. So Paddy it is.

The Browns left no stone unturned in their exhaustive search for the next head coach. The only problem that some people are having is that there were apparently only three stones in the area Mike Holmgren was looking,

and two of those are those Styrofoam faux stones that people hide keys in*. There was only one real stone in the area that the Browns were looking. They turned it over and found Paddy.

*I love those things. Do those ever fool anyone? As if there is a criminal looking to break into a house who gives up because he's looked everywhere for the spare key, on top of the door, under the welcome mat, behind the rocking chair,...everywhere. And he keeps tripping over this annoying softball sized stone that's just laying there in the flower bed. Where the hell could that key be?

I tend to believe that the search was a lot more comprehensive than it appeared on paper. I believe this because it makes sense, and Mike Holmgren said as much during his press conference. It makes sense that, even if Holmgren wasn't sure he was going to fire Mangini (and I believe the he knew it was very likely), he had some candidates that he liked rattling around in his head. He was thinking about a lot of these guys for a lot longer than the 10 days between Mangini's firing and Paddy's hiring.

If some random CEO has to fire one of his managers (because he catches him schtuping the cleaning lady after hours, is letting his moron brother in law run the IT department, and has been turning in crappy EBITDAs for the last two years) then obviously a search has to be done to replace the guy. In this case the CEO has to send out feelers, collect resumes, conduct interviews, and all of the rest of the horsecrap that comprises due diligence.

The difference in the NFL is Holmgren doesn't need to do a lot of that stuff to conduct a thorough search. Mike Holmgren already knows every possible candidate available. There was nobody who was a legitimate candidate for an NFL head coaching position that would have been a surprise to him. He knows who is available, where they've worked, what type of football philosophy they subscribe to, what their reputation is around the league, and most other pertinent information before he would even talk to them.

So, I don't necessarily agree with the view that Holmgren didn't conduct a comprehensive enough search. I do believe, however, that Paddy was one of the top choices from the get-go, and any other candidate had an uphill battle to change Holmy's mind. And that doesn't really bother me either. Out of the list of candidates I have absolutely no reason to think that my opinion is better than a guy like Mike Homgren's.*

*This is in direct contrast to the last hire. I have every reason to believe that my opinion is MUCH better than Randy Lerner's opinion on such things. I have no doubt that I watched more football and know more about football than Randy Lerner. And I'm a complete moron. That's the faith I have in Randy.

The best way I can explain it is to say that Holmgren was living for a dream, loving for a moment. Taking on the world, that's just Mike's style. Then he looked into Shurmur's eyes, and he could see forever.

The search is over. Paddy was with us all the while.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns

Now that we have the new head Coach, it's time to start filling out the coaching positions. I think it's very safe to assume that Brian Daboll will not be the offensive coordinator next year. Call it a hunch. Rob Ryan has already taken the defensive coordinator position for the Dallas Cowboys, so two new coordinators will be hired, and it will probably happen this week.

The most important of these positions is going to be on the defensive side of the ball. Paddy is an offensive coach so he will need a good, experienced DC to run things on the defensive side. There's really only been one name that has popped up for the position that I've heard, and that is Dick Jauron. Dick is a successful defensive coach who has experience as a head coach, most recently in Buffalo. He is currently the defensive backs coach for the Eagles. He would be the perfect addition to the staff, as he would allow Paddy to concentrate on the offense.

Of course, the Eagles had to throw a monkey wrench into the plan by firing their own DC yesterday. I have no idea if that means Jauron is in line for the DC job in Philly, but this is Cleveland so you have to assume that it does. So, I guess this coming week the Browns will be digging around once again in Bob LaMonte's bag of football coaches looking for an experienced DC.

On the offensive side of the ball it is important, but not nearly as important as on the defensive sid, to find a good coordinator. Paddy is an offensive coach and it will be his west coast offense that is run, not the coordinator's. Paddy has already said that he will be the one calling the plays. The OC will need to be competent enough to understand what Paddy, Mike Holmgren , and Gil Haskell (who will finally have someone to listen to his suggestion) are trying to do, and then not get in the way or screw it up. There should be plenty of those guys around. And most of us probably haven't heard of any of them.

Special teams coach Brad Seeley will hopefully be retained. If he isn't...meh.

The hiring of a coaching staff isn't the most exciting thing in the world (that would be co-ed naked Jai alai on a vaseline covered floor), but it is something to talk about until the draft talk starts to heat up.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The NFL Playoffs.

The Jets vs the Steelers in the AFC Championship game. I would rather choose between a Haitian Witch Doctor driving a rusty nail through my scrotum (ala The Serpent and the Rainbow) or sitting front row with Justin Beiber at a Gwyneth Paltrow concert than have to watch one of these teams win the Super Bowl.

My kingdom for a Green Bay blowout win in 3 weeks.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Cavs

LeBag-O-Farts tweeted about Karma last week (somehow implying that Cleveland and The Cavs did him wrong and now it's coming back on them) and then ridiculously tried to blame the stupid tweet on the dog. Then he promptly sprained his ankle and the Heat lost 3 games in a row. During that streak Kristy Bosh sprained her ankle too when an opposing player (GASP!) had the audacity to try to get to a loose ball and fell on Kristy's legs. Kristy's point was her legs are far more important than players on the opposing team trying to..you know...win the game. To tell you the truth, I couldn't quite follow his reasoning. All I know is that Kristy's family is on the brink of starvation because of this horrible turn of events.

So, if you have a heart, and you believe in all of the bad things that karma can do to Cleveland, please take a moment to send a few thousand dollars to:

Christina Bosh

395 Giant Pussy Way

I-Sit-To-Pee, Florida, 11111

Personally, I don't have a few thousand bucks to spend on Kristy's poor starving children. But, I do plan on sending some diflucan for his yeast infection so he can get back on the floor soon.

Considering that the Heat will probably be back at full strength sometime next week, and this little blip will have very little effect on their season, none of the Heat's struggles makes it any easier to stomach the steaming pile of guano that the Cavs have become.

The Cavs played 3 games last week and predictably lost all of them, extending their losing streak to 94 games in a row. But, it isn't the fact that they lost. They are supposed to lose. They're worse than everyone else. No, the main problem is that they lost those 3 games by a total of 105 points.

105 points.

Let me say that again. 105 points.

3 games. 105 points.

To put that in perspective, if they played one extra game last week while defending a basket that was covered by a trash can lid, against a high school team, they probably STILL would have been outscored for the week.

In fact, that is the only scenario where I can see the Cavs winning another game this season.

Next week the Cavs have 3 more games. It's too damn depressing to break the games down so I'm not going to do that anymore. They play Wed, Fri, and Sat against the Suns, Bucks, and Nyets respectively. There is absolutely nothing that I can think of that makes me believe there is any chance of a win.

But, I will surely watch as much as I can. Why?

Because I'm from Cleveland that's why. And I'm an idiot.

Mostly because I'm an idiot.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Tribe

4 weeks until pitchers and catchers report.

We still don't have a 3rd baseman to start the season. Not one that deserves a starting major league job anyway.

And still no Nick Punto.

Still, it's exciting. I'm starting to feel the beginnings of that happy euphoria that accompanies spring training when anything seems possible. No matter what, the beginning of baseball season is a happy time, and it's right around the corner.

Actor In My Movie

Amanda Detmer

About a decade ago Jason Biggs was a star. No really. He was that hot young comedic actor who had sex with a pie. Fast forward to 2011 and Jason Biggs is that one guy who looked like and had similar talent to a young Steve Guttenberg, and had sex with a pie.

He will forever be tied to The American Pie franchise. And that's nothing to sneeze at. Those were pretty good movies. The first one was anyway. And the second (or maybe the third, I can't remember) one had major boobage in it, so there's that.

But, his best movie, hands down, is his most unappreciated. It was critically panned and did about nothing at the box office as far as I remember. My brother and I are about the only two guys on the Earth that I know of that like the movie. But, it's a hilarious movie. One of the funniest of the aughts.

Saving Silverman

I don't know how this movie doesn't get more run than it does. Jack Black at his Jack Blackiest. Steve Zahn in a rodent hunting tour de force. Amanda Peet looking hot and being bitchy. R. Lee Ermey playing a gay football coach serving time for killing an official. A Neil Diamond Tribute band called Diamonds In The Rough that for a short time is fronted by (for no apparent reason) some Indian dude. And, of course, Neil Diamond.

And rising above the afore mentioned steaming pile of awesomeness is the beautiful Amanda Detmer, playing Biggs' soul mate/love interest who, consequently, is about to become a nun. There is something perfect about that girl in that role. She hasn't been in any roles of much consequence before or since that one, but she made enough of an impression on me that ten years later I'm one of about 3 people on the face of the earth who could tell you her name.

And for that, she's got a role in my movie.

Youtube Of The Week.

The Search Is Over and Paddy O'Shurmur is the Survivor.