Written by Michael Kramer

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I just finished watching the Daytona 500.  It's the one time the entire year that I will pay attention to racing, and I hardly pay attention today. Sure, I'll be aware of it at other times. It's not like I go out of my way to avoid anything about racing from here on out. It's just that I don't care.

This year, for what I believe is the 11th straight time, Daytona was won by some dude named Trevor. It might have been Travis. I'm not 100% sure. He's some 20 year old kid who somehow ended up driving in the biggest race of the year for a couple of guys the announcers kept referring to as "The Wood Brothers."   My 12 year old mind found this absolutely hilarious.  I even spent at least a good minute focusing all of my mental energy in an attempt to telepathically manipulate Darrell Waltrip into saying "The Brothers Wood". Failing in my psychokinetic endeavor was only mildly disappointing because it really wouldn't have been that funny, and nobody would have believed me anyway if I revealed my mind control powers.

For those of you who watched the race, I'm sure you'll agree that it was excruciatingly pointless and boring. I don't know how you could see it any other way. The race goes on for 500 miles (hence the clever name) on a 2.5 mile track. Once again my superior math skills tell me that there are 200 laps to be run.

The problem with the Daytona 500 is that approximately 188 laps out of those 200 are run under the yellow caution flag behind a sparkling red car with flashing lights driven by Wilford Brimley, or someone of his ilk, at about 55 miles per hour. This is because the greatest drivers in the world (or Indiana/Texas) can't seem to go more than 2 laps at a time without running into each other or the wall.

This invariably happens for 2 reasons. First, despite the fact that it always ends up in a crash, the cars find themselves 3 wide on the track. When this happens, the outside cars usually start to ping-pong the middle car back and forth like a hot chick between Chris Kattan (God rest his soul) and Will Ferrell (God rest his career's soul) in a halfway decent SNL skit. Believe it or not, this usually ends up in a crash.

Second, due to some fancy physics, it turns out that 2 cars in a line can go really fast. As far as I know this was always the case, but it seems like they just figured it out this year or something. The problem is that they get going really fast and then get all surprised when the guy in front of them doesn't get out of their way. You might not believe it, but when the car in front doesn't move there is usually another crash.

If I'm not mistaken, every car in this year's Daytona was involved in at least 2 crashes. And, every time there's a crash, they bring out the yellow flag and the pace car and everyone slows down. They keep counting those laps, though. It's exciting as hell, watching those race cars racing down the track at a brisk 47 MPH behind Wilford Brimley without being allowed to pass.

Then the 200th lap rolls around and they are still under caution so they start making stuff up, like you used to do as a kid and you run out of time before whatever game you're playing is over. "OK, next 2 laps wins it...GO!"

And, that's how some 14 year old kid named Travis or whatever ends up winning the Daytona 500. Because he was lucky enough to not get hit in the 34th pile up of the race. Of course, I was asleep by then.

Now, it may surprise you to hear this, but I don't know the first damn thing about racing. No, it's true. But I did figure out a way to restore the "racing" to the Daytona 500, and every other boring car race for that matter. It's a simple, foolproof, effective, and ultimately entertaining change. When you hear it you are going to smack your head and wonder why you didn't think of it first. Here it is.

No more cautions.

That's it. No more cautions.

They slow the race down and make it boring. It lasts forever. No more cautions takes care of this. Think about it. I've done a hell of a lot of racing in my life. I've raced my brother, cousins, friends, pets, and time. I've raced in shoes, in bare feet, on bikes, on my stomach on a skateboard tied to a bike going downhill, on sleds, in cars, and on pets. Never once, in my entire life, did I get a caution flag.

If somebody goes down, that's tough. If you trip over the guy in front of you, that's tough too. If the fat kid at the very end, who has a boatload of time to avoid you after you crash, still crashes into you...tough shit. You know who wins? The dude who crossed the finish line first.

How much better would that race be if those drivers had to keep driving around the track and avoid the wreckage? We could get circus monkeys and midgets to run out onto the track to try to collect the debris while the race is going on. Tell me you wouldn't tune in for that.

If a car is broken down on the track, so what? Bring out the tow truck. You know what the drivers still in the race should do when the tow truck is on the track?  You know what good race car drivers do?  That's right, they don't hit the damn tow truck, that's what they do.

I'm telling, there is no downside.

If you think I'm wrong, ask yourself this: If NASCAR eliminated the caution flag and cars had to dodge midgets, monkeys, and tow trucks, would I ever miss a race? If you answered yes to that, I have no more use for you.

An Awkward Glance At The Browns

Well, it has nothing to do with the Brown's anymore, but the owner of the Hartford Colonials of the UFL, Bill Mayer, has publicly declared his mancrush on Eric Mangini. Despite the fact that Mangini could spend the next 2 years of Sundays making pizzas with Jimmy Kimmel and still get paid, Mayer thinks he has a chance to lure him (Mangini, not Kimmel, although I suspect he'd take either) to the Ultimate Football League (if UFL doesn't stand for Ultimate Football League, well, it should).

The previous coach of the Colonials? Chris Palmer*, who went a stellar 3-5 during his one season before being snatched up by the Titans to start his 3rd gig as an NFL offensive coordinator. So, if there's one thing that makes sense, it's for a football owner to replace one failed Brown's head coach (who damn near won half his games for you) with another fail Brown's head coach. Don't be afraid to climb those golden stairs Bill.

* When googling Chris Palmer to find out his record with the Colonials, I was surprised to find that he wasn't the first search result. No, the first google search result, and therefore most important, is a guy who does origami. Apparently, Chris Palmer is the Tom Brady of origami or something. He also has a surprisingly uninteresting website, considering his supposed skill level. I feel like you should know these things.

I hope Bill Mayer gets his man and Mangini takes the gig. It's like things will have come full circle. It'd also be interesting to see another franchise make all of the same horrible decisions that the Brown's made with the same result, only a few years later.

Here's hoping that Bill Mayer isn't giving interviews in a few years saying that he wants a legitimate football man in place to turn things around for the Colonials, and he thinks Mike Holmgren might be just the man for the job.

In actual Brown's news, the combine finally gets under way this week. As ridiculous as it is, there is a lot of interest and a lot of stock put into the results of this thing. It's where a lot of draft boards finally begin to take shape.

The discussion and the mock drafts so far have about 5-6 different players right at the top opf the Brown's draft board. They range from QB Cam Newton, to DLs Robert Quinn and Marcel Dareus, to WRs AJ Green and Julio Jones. I've even heard Tewxas A&M LB Von Hayes enter the discussion in recent weeks.

With so much talent available I guess maybe the only way to make up your mind is to put them in spandex and play a rousing game of "howmuch-ya-bench?" I have my opinions right now (Dareus) but I'm sure I'll change it close to 1,000 times before draft day.

The truth is, I like this draft and it will take me all of 5 seconds to talk myself into whoever they pick.

An Awkward Glance At The Cavs

Shows what I know (as if we needed more evidence that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about) Last week I predicted the Cavs to lose only one game when, in fact, they went undefeated. Last Wednesday the Cavs were supposed to play the Lakers. And that is what all of the papers said. Cavs beat the Lakers.

While I don't want to make waves or anything, and I'm obviously happy for the win, I have my own theory. I have evidence that suggests that the Lakers were kidnapped and replaced with an intramural squad of sophomores from Bryant and Stratton College (currently in 3rd place) who have cleverly named their team Jerry's Kids, in honor of their freshman RA, Jerry McGuillicuddy, who once drank an entire bowl of spiked Hawaiian punch before a large ice-cube with a dead rat inside melted and contaminated the inebriating mixture.

It is the only logical explanation.

The evidence I have that this is true is simply the rosters. Look at the Cav's Roster. Now look at the Laker's roster. Now tell me if there's any way the Cavs could beat the actual Lakers. Now tell me what you think the result would be if the Cavs played an average intramural basketball team from whatever college you went to.

It'd be pretty close, wouldn't it?

I'm feeling benevolent in not calling Boobie Gibson's historically bad display in the three point shootout a loss, even though it would prove my prediction accurate.

The well rested Cavs play 3 home games this week:

1. Wed – Houston Rockets

2. Fri – NY knicks

3. Sun – Philly 76ers

Don't look now but the Cavs have a winning record over the last 10 days, and we can hardly blame them for the loss last Sunday to the Wizzards after what must have been a star studded, wild celebration after ending the streak. So, I'm going to go ahead and call that one a victory too, giving the Cavs a 3 game winning streak over the last week and a half. In fact, they haven't lost since Mubarak was President of Eqypt.

So, I have no doubt that this glorious streak of eptitude will continue until at least Friday. That's right. The Cavs will beat the Rockets. I think they'll also split with the Knick and 76ers.

Ramon Sessions looks better each game. He's scoring and dishing better than he ever has before. I also believe that with the amount of balls that ricochet off JJ Hickson's head, Sessions will begin to just bounce them right off his head into the basket.

You'll have to watch the games to find out. I dare you.

An Awkward Glance At The Indians

Spring training is upon us, the players have reported for duty, and baseball is in full swing. Heck, the temps in Cleveland climbed into the 50s last week. All of the snow is melted. I even got ambitious and grilled some burgers over the weekend.

Even David Huff is getting into it. Our old friend Paul Hoynes reported that David Huff showed up with a brand new tattoo on his right arm. Apparently it's pretty badass. It is a Samurai warrior with some Japanese writing. Huff says it's his old nickname "The Silent Assassin", which I'm assuming he earned in large part due to an affinity for pork and beans.

I've heard that a lot of the tattoos with Japanese and Chinese characters don't really mean what the tattee thinks it means. It's because of this that I choose to believe that Huff's tattoo actually means "Hello Kitty Beiber Boi." I will believe this until someone I trust informs me otherwise. I have Kaz Tadano on speed dial but haven't been able to reach him

Maybe I'd be more apt to buy into the whole "The Silent Assassin" mystique if Huff didn't go 2-11 last year with a 6.21 ERA and -1.6 WAR (in only 79 innings).

That being said, hope springs eternal and all is forgiven at the start of training camp. Especially when you are a left hander and your competition for a starting spot is Aaron Laffey. Seriously, how many times does Aaron Laffey have to prove that he's not a starting major league pitcher? He's proven it already around 13 times.

On the other hand, Huff has proven it only once. Of course, that once was sustained over an entire major league season, but still. He deserves another chance. Well, I don't know about deserve so much as...you got a better idea?

This week the spring games begin and the answers to some of our questions will start to take shape. Will Grady ever be 100%? Will Hafner's power ever come back, even a little bit? Is Santana's recovery as far along as we've been led to believe? Can Carrasco pick up where he left off last year? Will Valbuena replace Andy Marte as the talentless player who the Indians inexplicably keep around for the next 5 seasons?

These are all interesting questions that will be answered in time.

For now, enjoy the weather and the fact that's it's only going to get better from here on out.

Actor In My Movie

Yaphet Kotto

Yaphet Kotto is an all time "that guy." You probably all recognize him, and a good portion of you can't even put your finger on where you saw him. Some of you recognize him from the TV show Homicide. Some may remember him as one of Arnold's ill fated running buddies in The Running Man. Heck, it seems like he's played a bit part in every TV cop drama ever made at some point.

And I'm sure there are those of you who recognize him from the same place I do. He played FBI Agent Alonzo Mosely in Midnight Run, one of the greatest movies ever made.

If you haven't seen Midnight Run, you should be ashamed of yourself. After you are finished being ashamed, you should go and rent it before all of the Blockbusters close for good. The movie really is that good, and Kotto is one of the most memorable characters in it.

There is no possible way for anyone to dislike this movie. If you do, you are an idiot and I have no use for you.

Youtube Clip Of The Week

 One to make you smile

 And one to make you laugh