Written by Michael Kramer

---

I spend a lot of time on the internet. Too much time probably. No, definitely. It's ridiculous how much time I waste. It makes me sad when I think about all that I could have accomplished and that I could accomplish still, if only I would do something, anything, productive with my inconsiderable but valuable free time.

I could be cleaning and organizing the house. I could be exercising. I could be learning new, healthy, and delicious things to cook. I could be catching up with old friends. I could be reading with my son, or taking him for a bike ride. I could be building a deck, or at least planning to build a deck when the weather improves. I could be expanding my horizons by reading Infinite Jest. I could be practicing root canals on extracted teeth (yes, I actually do this, but I could do it more). I could be conducting research into stem cells with the goal of devising a plan to grow 2 giant, indestructible horseshoe shaped teeth in the 6 year old mandible that would replace the unwieldy 32 tooth system that has caused so much misery for so many people over the course of human history.

All of these things would be more worthwhile than frittering away hours of pointless and fruitless ether surfing. But, I wouldn't do these things. I know what I would do. 36 years of experience in laziness, apathy, and inertial have proven that I would absolutely just watch TV instead.

So, there I was the other day, surfing the interwebs for something, anything, even remotely interesting that would make the wasted time, if not justifiable, at least explainable. I ended up at ESPN.com though force of habit and lack of options on my tool bar*. Now, we all know that ESPN is a cesspool and the embodiment of all that is corrupt and horrible in the world. But, they are difficult to ignore so their website is a daily visit, even if you have to pinch your nose when you get there.

*Does anyone else do this? I sit there with my feet on my desk and will only visit the small handful of websites that I have bookmarked on the toolbar. If it's not on the toolbar and there is no link to it, I'm not going to see it. Basically, if it involves the extreme effort of putting my feet down and typing something at the keyboard, it isn't worth it and I don't need to see it. If I want to look up something on IMDB, I click on the home page and essentially play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon through nothing but links until I hit the page I'm looking for. This can take upwards of 15 to 20 minutes sometimes for an expert such as myself, so for your average person I'm guessing it could take over an hour. For some of you who are reading this, it would be impossible. And that's why a lot of you suckers have to do your web surfing with your feet on the floor.

One article in particular stood out among the rest and it immediately caught my eye*. It was an intriguing debate between Chris Broussard and Rick Bucher over (you're never going to believe this) where they think Dwight Howard should play after he becomes a free agent in 2012. No really, over at ESPN, they are talking about where an NBA star should play when he becomes a free agent a year and a half from now. Crazy, right? It was interesting as hell and I don't mind telling you that it almost caused me to consider possibly contemplating whether or not I should give any thought to completely wasting around $7** to become an insider for the month so that I could read even more news centered around around LA, NY and LeBron's balls.

*I recently discovered that our good pal and Cavs PD Insider Mary Schmitt Boyer noticed the article as well and thought I would be remiss not to mention it here. Nothing makes me happier than when I have evidence that my interests are in line with the Schmittster's, and I think that her thoughts on the matter are easily as interesting as her tweets during cavs games.

**I ultimately decided against it, and instead went to eBay and ordered a case of 16 boxes of 1988 Donruss baseball. My plan is to stockpile as many Gregg Jefferies rookie cards as possible to help offset the cost of college for my son. Either that or sell them and buy a really bitchin' car in a few years.

As luck would have it, ESPN stupidly made the first few paragraphs of the groundbreaking article were free, therefore making my Gregg Jefferies dilemma a much easier call. ($7 paid for the case AND the shipping.) You are never going to believe what they think. Out of all of the teams in the NBA, they picked the LA Lakers and New Jersey Nets. I know, right?

It's incredible. I was stunned, STUNNED I say, that they thought Dwight Howard should go to Big Market teams (heretofore referred to as BM team) in LA and New Jersey when they had so many teams to choose from. They could have chosen the Knicks, Miami, Chicago...virtually any one of a half dozen teams in about 4 cities.

Well, nothing is more exciting than contemplating which of 4 BM cities all of the biggest stars and great players in the NBA should play, especially for the fans in Cleveland, Minnesota, Charlotte, and Portland. But, since I'm not an Insider, I'm not privy to all of the wonderful and interesting reasons why the NBA's best center should go to Las Angeles to ease the suffering of all of the downtrodden Laker fans who have had so little to root for recently. My hope was that Howard would end up in Miami, whose poor team has still not yet received the NBA championship that was promised to them last July and which they so obviously deserve. Personally, I think it's a travesty that they don't have 2 or 3 Championships by now. But, if it must be LA, I suppose as a Cavs fan, I can live with that. By far my biggest regret is that, as an NBA franchise, Cleveland will have nothing to offer to a BM team for years to come. I hope we can be forgiven.

That brings me to the point (or what passes for a point around here) of all of this rambling, nonsensical jibberish. I thought it might be fun to take an awkward glance ahead at where some of the best writing, TV, and sideline reporting "talent" that ESPN has to offer might end up in a perfect world when they become free agents in a few years. Because all of this endless speculation is so damn fascinating to all of us unworthy minions outside of the BM cities.

So, let us begin.

Chris Broussard – Chris Broussard actually got his start in Cleveland at the Plain Dealer where he covered the Cavs. After a quick stop in Akron it was off to the bright lights of BM market New York City before finally landing in Brostol. He was at the forefront of the LeBag-O-Farts Decision debacle as he broke the story repeatedly on twitter. I'm sure there's a record somewhere (I'll be damned if I'm actually going to look it up) of all of the destinations that Broussard "broke" over twitter during the 3 years of LeBag-O-Farts* free agency (I know it was officially only a few weeks but we all know it was longer than that).

*I'd like to think you guys are enjoying my "LeBag-O-Farts" joke as much as I do but I don't see how.

Going just from memory Broussard broke the story that the city was going to be New York, Chicago, New York, Chicago, Miami, Chicago, New York, Las Angeles, New York, New Jersey, New York, Miami, Chicago, Las Angeles, New York, Las Angeles, New York, Terra Haut, New York, Chicago, Miami, New York, Las Angeles, New York, Chicago, MIAMI! Nailed it.

Broussard it turns out was right all along. But, during the whole thing, he was more of a gossip than any kind of actual reporter. He's the Blake Lively of ESPN. As such, I believe that he will take his talents to Ladies Home Journal.

Rick Bucher – In researching Ric, I realized I've been spelling his name wrong the whole time*. I thought about going back to correct all of the times I called him Rick, but decided it was funnier to just leave it. I'm not sure why. It's probably just as funny one way as the other. But there it is.

*Actually, I'm not so sure that I should admit that I have it wrong. It's really Ric, or more accurately his parents, that have it wrong. Just because you spell something wrong on an official document doesn't mean that it's all of a sudden OK. My guess is that's how we ended up with "Sean". A long time ago some illiterate asshole wanted to name his stupid kid Shawn and decided that "Sean" was close enough. And, now look where we are. Shawn, Shaun, Sean, Chaun,...It's goddamn chaos. No. I'm taking a stand for what's right, right here right now. Ric Bucher is Rick Bucher as far as I'm concerned. You don't get to change the spelling of Rick just because you were to lazy or stupid to look it up in the 9 months you had to decide on a name. And don't get me started on the damage that dunce Avril Lavinge has done. Just don't expect me to go back and edit that last paragraph now.

Rick is actually from Cincinnati, so there's another one with an Ohio connection. You might be thinking to yourself "Self, it seems like a lot of worthless sportswriters come from Ohio, maybe I should look unfavorably upon that state" To this I would direct your attention to Joe Posnanski who's awesomeness overshadows any douchebaggery ESPN could throw at us.

Alas, I don't know much about Rick beyond what it says on Wikipedia about where he's from and this other time he made some kind of crack at the expense of the Mormons. He called them good basketball fans or something. Don't worry, he apologized.

But, he does look a bit like a railroad engineer. At least to me he does. So, I have Rick taking his talents over to Locomotive Engineers Journal at the end of his contract.

Bill Simmons – Actually, I like Bill Simmons. At least, I used to back when he used to write stuff. Here's what I think Bill should do. I think Bill should create his own website with Chuck Klosterman. It could be owned by his masters over at ESPN but for some reason not actually say ESPN anywhere on his site. The could hire someone away from Deadspin. Maybe someone like Katie Baker. They could get Lane Brown to write about pop culture and stuff.

It would be like 2 trains are on the same track hauling ass at each other. One is carrying the cast of Jersey Shore and 90210, the other carries the entirety of Boston Sports. Exactly in the middle is Billy Zabka.

This could work.

I think I'll send Bill an email. He should do this. Of course that might involve him actually writing something at some point again.

Rick Reilly – I'll start off by giving Rick props for spelling his name correctly. I'll also say that back when he was writing the back page for Sports Illustrated, I really liked him. He was condescending and preachy, but it kind of worked.

Well, he's still condescending and preachy at ESPN, but it no longer works. I can't remember the last time I thought he was either funny of clever. It's kind of sad really. I don't know if I changed or if he did. Either way, he sucks now.

I'm sure he's still a big hit at the home. I don't even think he should wait until free agency. He should force his way over to Geriatric Magazine Carmelo style.

 

Mark May – I'll start out by admitting that I'm biased here. I hate Mark May, and I feel guilty as hell about it. I feel guilty because hating Mark May is like being mad at a mentally challenged person for doing something stupid. The guy is an absolute moron, and I'm not at all convinced it's his fault.

But on the off chance that he's this way just as a way to make himself half interesting, then he shouldn't be employed at all. His Ohio State hate and bias is so over the top that I can't understand why any company that has dubbed itself the "Worldwide Leader" in sports would want him representing the quality of the product. Because the quality sucks.

It would be like The Cleveland Fan allowing some know-nothing moron, who's only contribution, is sputtering nonsense and idiocy, to write a weekly column. It's ridiculous. It just wouldn't happen, right?

Right?

So the first thing I googled when I was looking for a place for Mark May to land was Sphincterstink Dickface Weekly. However, Sphincterstink Dickface Weekly doesn't exist.

You know what? I'm sticking with Sphincterstink Dickface Weekly. May can start his own magazine. Skip Bayless can write for him.

Done and done.

Pat Forde – I don't know if I like Pat. I have a feeling I don't, but it's hard to say for sure. That's because I don't think I've ever gotten past the first few paragraphs of his "40 Words that I made Bold" column without falling into a deep and peaceful slumber. It's not that what he writes is wrong, at least I have no way of knowing if it is, it's just that it's all incredibly and unredeemably boring.

Quick, think of anything...any single thing ever...that Pat Forde has said or written. I can't. Not a damn thing.

So, I'm torn as to where Pat will end up. I'd like to think he'd end up someplace interesting like Occult Digest. At least that would be something.

But I have a feeling that Pat will find his talents utilized by The Mennonite Community come free agency.

 

Erin Andrews – Erin Andrews has spent the majority of her journalism career trying to emerge from the formidable shadow cast by her dancing younger sister Kendra, star of Step Up 3D. I haven't actually seen that movie but I have no doubt it is awesome and that Kendra (probably some kind of background dancer) did indeed step up to the streets in that groundbreaking film.

So it's easy to understand why Erin works so hard at her craft. It is through this hard work and dedication that Erin has emerged as damn near the best sideline reporter currently working today. On a personal level, I'll never forget that time when right after halftime, she asked Jim Tressel "What do you guys have to do in the second half to win the game?"

Or that time when she stopped Rich Rodriguez on his way to the locker room before half and asked him "What do you guys have to change at halftime to get back into this game?" She really is the master. If it weren't for the impeccable work of Craig Sager, she'd be perched at the top like Yertle the Turtle.

However, as it stands, I think she's gone as far as she can go on the sideline and it's time to take her talents elsewhere.

Many different publications would benefit greatly from Erin's talents. ( I know you are all waiting for the obvious Playboy, Penthouse, or Gallery*, but I'm not a chauvinist pig) After briefly considering the magazines Minicam, Sexology, and Motor Boating...I settled on The Pennsylvania Dutchman, as long as my editor allows it. It does sound kind of dirty.

*Please, dear God, let it be Gallery. I need this.

John Clayton – I rather like Clayton. I've got nothing bad to say about him. I think he's a good and knowledgeable football writer and I hope he stays at ESPN. Someone has to, right?

My extensive research (wikipedia) about John Clayton revealed this interesting tidbit: John Clayton, born John Travis Clayton, began covering sports while still a student at Churchill Area High School Where he met life partner and personal stylist Reid Killen. Killen gives Clayton inspiration for his ponytail and his awkward demeanor.

As we all know, if it's on the internet, then it must be true. So, because I work so hard for all of your benefit, I spent about an hour scouring the ether for a picture of John Clayton with a pony tail, to no avail. It must be one of those pulled straight back pony tails that balding bikers and Stephen Seagal seem to fancy.

That has nothing to do with anything really, I just thought you should know that.

Like I said, I'd prefer John to stay put at ESPN. But, I think a lot of people preferred LeBag-O-Farts to stay in Cleveland (except the people in NY, Chicago, LA, Miami, Pittsburgh (just because they're assholes), and Bristol) so you can't always get what you want. Therefore, I'm predicting that John Clayton takes his talents to Miniature Donkey Talk magazine.

For some strange reason that seems reasonable.

Mel Kiper Jr. – A lot of people like to bag on Mel just because he only has a job one day out of the year, and on that day he does it very poorly*. Other people like to bag on him due to his well manicured coiffeur. It is indeed a strange sight to take in, much like that of Donald Trump and that Elk and Elk guy (I'm going to assume his name is Larry Elk until informed otherwise). Looking at it you almost get the feeling that it is impenetrable to any form of natural disaster conceivable.

*When I put it like that it actually seems very reasonable that people like to bag on Mel Kiper Jr.

But, I don't think that's a good reason to not like someone. The fact that he has made cottage industry out of not knowing any more than anyone else about the NFL draft, well, that may be a reason to not like someone.

To me, he just looks a lot like a guy who knows a hell of a lot more about hair than he does about football players. So I'm saying that Mel Kiper Jr takes his talents to the magazine A Bear's Life.

Yes, it appears to be about what you think it's about.

Chris Berman – I don't know if Chris Berman was ever not annoying or if it just seems that way because I can't remember back that far. I gather from a lot of the self-aggrandizing, promotional crap that ESPN loves to take part in that Berman was one of the original guys to start this whole big clusterduck. If that's the case then I can only assume that he was allowed to be a part of it because he was the one with the car, or he had an uncle who owned a hotdog stand and could get them the occasional free lunch.

Because it sure as hell isn't his clever nicknames.

What do you think of that Chris Mujibur-man, from the proprietors of the now defunct store K&L Rock America, Sirajul and Mujibur, who appeared on many episodes of Late Nite with David Letterman back in the mid 90's.

How do you like me NOW Berman?

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah, I thought so. Your new gig is over at some mag call Crawdaddy. Nobody knows what that is which is appropriate because nobody knows what you do either.

Rob Neyer – In case you didn't already know, Neyer has a new gig. His old ESPN spot is being held down by a variety of contributors including TCF's own incomparable Steve Buffum.

About a week ago, Buff wrote a little something for the ESPN SweetSpot Blog about the signing of Chad Durbin (or as he's been dubbed around here Chaz or Chud). I'd like to share one of the wonderful comments as it represents just about all of the things that ESPN reader comments have come to embody. Ignorance, Arrogance, Laziness, and Off-The-Charts Unintentional Comedy. This one has it all.

Offered by BJordan2531

Who are you Steve Buffum? If you're going to write for ESPN at least get your facts straight. Why are you writing about the Indians when you clearly don't know anything about them and could care less about them. This is a great signing to add experience which is not present to this point for a cheap price. Next time at least check their website to find out who they designated to triple A instead of throwing Joe Smith under the bus.

My God, I laughed so hard when I read that. It is possibly the most ignorant thing I read all week, but at the same time it is so typical of you find at the WWL. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

I have no reason to believe that this isn't former St Louis Cardinals outfielder Brian Jordan. Once again, I will continue to assume that it is until proven otherwise.

Neyer's new gig over at SB Nation seems to be working out. Otherwise I'd send his talents over to Baseball Prospectus or Fangraphs or something.

The whole Neyer thing was really just an excuse to squeeze in that comment about Buffum. Yes, if there's anything Buffum needs to do it's get himself up to speed on the Indians. Get your facts straight Steve.

Stuart Scott – I don't really have anything against Stuart. I just wish he'd stop saying Booyah all the time. The truth of it is, I'll bet he'd like to stop too and just does'nt know how.

I'll help out. Stuart, take whatever it is that you call talent, and your glass eye, and head on over to Cat Fancy. If you can figure out a reason to say Booyah over there, well, I don't know what to tell you. At least I won't need to hear it.

 

 

 

 

Gary Miller – I know he doesn't work at ESPN anymore. But after his incident at the Basement in the flats in 1997, I figured he was a natural for Modern Drunkard Magazine.

I hope this little primer prepares you for the future in the ever changing landscape of professional sportswriting. At the very least, I'm confident that it is every bit as informative as the endless babbling about the future of NBA stars and the 4 BM cities that they may end up.

 

 

 

___________________________________________

Actor In My Movie

The casting couch is closed for the week as I ponder a pre-sequel.

 

 

*I swear to you that every magazine mentioned here is a real actual magazine. Well, except for Sphincterstink Dickface Weekly. But if Mark May had any business sense, it would be soon.