Written by Andrew Clayman

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To some, Youtube is a festering testament to the de-evolution of man—a retro virus at the event horizon of a cultural black hole; squandering its hi-tech sophistication for the proliferation of dancing cats and dick punches. …Okay then. But it’s also got Andy Allanson, Bobby Phills, and a demonic-looking CGI talking dog with a thirst for Art Modell blood! So what’s not to love?

As you may have guessed, the Cleveland Sports Video Grab Bag is a new TCF feature exploring the random, bizarre, and seemingly limitless collection of Browns, Cavs, and Indians crap piling up along the side of the information superhighway. Each volume will unearth three videos from the deepest recesses of Youtube’s large intestines. Some will delight you. Some will confuse you. Others will make you long for the days when fading sports memories could fade away forever, and nostalgia could survive without hindsight.

We’ll begin this edition with a quickie from the tail end of the Cleveland Indians’ 40-year walk through the desert. It’s a Channel 43 Tribe promo from the early portion of the 1989 season, which eventually ended in a 73-89 record and the exit of manager Doc Edwards. More importantly, it would also be the last season in Cleveland for the aforementioned trusty backstop Andy Allanson—a mulleted and mustachioed Virginia hilljack who briefly doubled as my childhood idol.

 

Video 1: WUAB Kidsland Invites You to Play the Tribe Game (1989)

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Youtube Link: WUAB '89 Tribe Video

When Andy says, “I’ll see ya at the ballpark,” does it not come across as mildly threatening? As a Kidsland viewer slurping up Chef Boyardee Dinosaurs and watching Bugs Bunny, I’m not sure that the stony glare of the Indians’ banjo hitting catcher, nor the empty promise of a pack of shitty Donruss cards, would inspire me to play the Tribe Game.

Coincidentally, this advertisement ran the same month that a movie called Major League first hit theaters. The film starred respected Wall Street and Platoon actor Charlie Sheen as the pitcher who helps the long suffering Indians finally win the pennant. With Cleveland’s impressive real-life pitching staff of Greg Swindell, Tom Candiotti, Bud Black, and John Farrell, there was some hope that perhaps reality could imitate fiction that year. But as previously mentioned, it didn’t. The Indians sucked, Andy Allanson sucked, and you never met Cory Snyder.

Video 2: A Totally Alive Bobby Phills Goes Off on the Blazers (1995)

On December 30, 1995, the Cavs were waist deep in the Fratello era-- playing in hideous, paint-splashed uniforms on a hideous Easter egg-colored Gund Arena court. It was a very strange time in Cleveland sports history, as the euphoria of an unforgettable Tribe season had transitioned into the unthinkable misery of the Browns farewell funeral march to Baltimore. Now, both of those seasons were over, and out of the smoke came the dribbling afterthought that was Hill, Mills, Phills, and the baby-blue Cavaliers. On this night, however, genuine entertainment! Just two days after dropping 28 on the Knicks in a Cavs win at the Garden, 26 year-old Bobby Phills—four years shy of his untimely demise—completely went bonkers in a New Years Weekend home game against Portland. Observe the highlights, and a considerably less cynical Michael Reghi, in the random video below.

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Youtube Link: Bobby Phills Goes Triplin' on Portland

Danny Ferry, ever clutch.

Video 3: “Revenge of the Dawgs” (1999)

Several years after Bobby Phills’ big day, a few passionate and possibly criminally insane Cleveland Browns fans made the following anti-Modell propaganda film for Munrovia Pictures. Their Oscar-snubbed creation, “Revenge of the Dawgs,” is a groundbreaking combination of inspired live action filmmaking and state-of-the-art computer generated animation. It’s also a classic revenge tale, with an epic showdown between God and the Devil—check that, “Dog” and the Devil—cuz Browns fans dress as dogs, you know? Yadayadayada, dog costumes. Yadayadayada, dog humor. Yadayadayada—Hey! It’s a John “Big Dawg” Thompson cameo! Pure class.

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Youtube Link: Revenge of the Dawgs

Lessons learned watching the WTF-ridden “Revenge of the Dawgs”:

1. Getting hit by a truck will pixilate your ass.

2. Boobs are still more enticing than supreme vengeance.

3. The current Cleveland Browns exist because a giant floating dog head with fireball eyes captured and released the Prince of Darkness on the sole condition that a new team, owner, and stadium be delivered to the land of Cleveland. The floating dog head did NOT…

a) Add the simple stipulation that this new team win a fucking Super Bowl.
b) Demand that Art Modell never win a Super Bowl in Baltimore.
c) Consider the possibility that maybe keeping the Devil imprisoned would be more beneficial to the human race than putting another shitty sports team in Cleveland.