Written by Lars Hancock

---

How much money would you pay for three seconds of memories?

I’m heading off on a weekend vacation today, and this question occurred to me. A couple of years ago, someone had sent me Daniel Kahneman’s TED discussion on experience vs. memory, a video I highly recommend if you’ve got 20 spare minutes (and you’re reading my drivel here, so I think you do). Anyway, one of the points made in the video is that all you have left from any experience is memories, and all of your actual memories are in the form of three-second video files in your head.

Think about that for a second. Play back every great moment in your life, or any horrifying moment for that matter, and all you have is three seconds. Your first kiss, your first sexual experience, your first promotion, your first time being fired, that time you scored in a high school basketball game, the moment you saw 9-11 happening… all etched into your head in three second videos that you can play at will. The moment itself seems like more than that, but that’s all that is there. You certainly know and feel more when playing that video, but all you have is three seconds.

So this weekend, I’m heading to Napa to give my wife a great 40^th birthday weekend, and I’ve worked hard to make sure everything is flawless. This will cost me a lot of money, and in the end all my wife will get is one or two three second video files, if we are lucky. Putting it that way, it sounds like a pretty shitty present, doesn’t it? But somehow, it will be a present that will hopefully be appreciated for a lifetime.

This context is especially cruel as a Cleveland sports fan. What we know from our experience is that being a fan gives us misery, a long unending string of misery. And the video files we keep in our heads? The shot. There is exactly 3 seconds on the clock when this one starts, meaning we all remember the ball going into Jordan’s hands, two dribbles, pullup, Ehlo flying by, swish, buzz. Three seconds. We all remember the ball leaving Elway’s vile hand, and hitting #80 diving, and the shot of Elway celebrating. 3 seconds. “I’m going to take my talents to South Beach” is exactly three seconds of video. Every vile memory of Cleveland sports can be boiled down to a torturous three second video file that in permanently etched in each of our minds, each lasting exactly as long our minds are designed to remember them.

Yet even in losses, even knowing we are going to lose, we also know we love going to the games, and remember fondly the time, camaraderie, and/or debauchery of attending a game. Nothing specific, mind you, maybe a snip here and there, but mostly the sense that we enjoyed it. We keep watching, and keep coming back, because we know we love it. There is nothing at all like the experience of being in a loud raucous stadium with your friends acting like a complete animal in support of your team.

Sure, I have a few three second video memories from being in the stands, or in the parking lots beforehand. But mostly, I know I thoroughly enjoy the experience, and I thoroughly enjoy being in a stadium full of Clevelanders, God help me. Which explains why I subject myself to the torture that is Cleveland sports fandom. When you boil it down to the raw facts, it makes no sense, but to me, it makes all the sense in the world.

Anyway, off to the questions.

Are Cleveland sports fans really that much more negative about their teams that other cities –gotribe31

No. Cleveland sports teams just perform that much more negatively as compared to other cities’ teams. You give us a winner, or the hope of a winner, or, hell, I’ll take a demonstration of remedial competence in any level of management in any team, and we’ll sing their praises until the cows come home. Byron Scott has made a pretty good chicken salad out of the chicken shit he’s been given, and he’s a great teacher for Kyrie Irving, who is blossoming in Cleveland. We now complain the Cavs don’t lose enough. Seriously. That’s downright positive.

Cleveland fans are like dogs. If you give us hope, we’re the most loyal and positive fans in the universe. But as you have decided to beat us with a stick year after year, we’re going to be pissed off, surly, snarling bitches. That’s not our fault, it’s the fault of bungling Keystone Kops management of our baseball, basketball, and football franchises for that time period. The vast majority of us have never seen a championship, and have seen the most bizarre and unpredictable methods of bungling and failure to deny us that championship. Those videos are etched into our head, and they start autoplaying as soon as our team comes close to a victory. Is that negative? Sure is. But as Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Give us different results and we’ll stop expecting the worst.

Give us 3 not-so-ordinary entries from your Bucket List. -Hikohadon

1. Dunk the ball again, just one more time. That was on the original bucket list and I did it 20 years ago. I’m deluded that some sort of shoe technology plus ridiculous amount of box jumps can get me there again. If you see my lanky ass at the gym doing strip set leg presses, box jumps, and calf raises, that’s why. So laugh at me. Or encourage me. Either way, though, I’m going to try.

2. Be on the field when the Browns go to the Super Bowl. The team will eventually get there, and I’ll find a way, even if I have to become a paramedic in New Orleans for a year to work the game. What’s that? Lady choking on a hot dog in Section E? Hold on, this is a big third down and I want to see if Weeden is able to convert. SHE’S dying? Please, you have no idea.

3. Cook for the President. I’m something of an amateur gourmet and I love to play chef for my friends and family. I want to have the honor of cooking for one U.S. President, current or prior. Yeah, it’s weird. But it would be cool and validate my ability. Seriously, how incredible would it be to make ribs for Clinton? He’s had probably about every type and variety of rib in his life, and I’d love to know where my ribs stack up. And then over dinner you hear the most amazing stories, and maybe even learn if we’ve been visited by aliens, or when Elvis really died, or something awesome like that.

I always assumed that it goes without saying that deviled eggs are a wonderfully delicious treat that goes with just about anything and is suitable for nearly all occasions. However, it has recently been brought to my attention that not everyone shares this sentiment. So, my question is, what kind of asshole doesn't like deviled eggs? –motherscratcher

Deviled eggs are like popcorn. If they’re around, you’ll eat about 1,000 of them but you’ll never miss them if they aren’t there. Nobody wakes up and says to themselves “boy, I could really go for some deviled eggs today”. But everybody likes to see them at a party, especially if someone does something interesting with them. Kind of like me – you never invite me, but I show up to all the great parties anyway, and I’m the life of the party. I am, right? What, is it time to go already? Hey, we don’t need the cops, I’ll leave on my own…

Why wouldn’t you like deviled eggs? Well, they’re not very elegant, and they make the entire room smell like a giant fart. There is no proper way to eat one, no matter how far you stick your pinky out – this is precisely why there are no pictures of Queen Elizabeth eating deviled eggs on the internet (except for that one kinky porn site that, um, pod’s uncle told me about). And speaking of flatulence, they aren’t very delicate on your system either, so after a few hours, some beer and a half dozen deviled eggs, the party will be ending. But if you’re too fancy to stick a whole egg in your face, and if you’re offended by a little gas, you’re probably not much fun to be around. So deviled eggs are indeed good.

By the way, when you make them, please try to put some effort into them and a little creativity, okay? Add some bold flavors like chipotle, or maybe even fancy them up with a little truffle oil and some toasted fennel seeds. And instead of nasty ass Heinz relish from the industrial sized plastic jug, how about chopping some fresh gherkins, or some capers for the acidity?  And for some texture, maybe chop up some shrimp, or BACON. Chipotle, diced jalapenos, and bacon. You make those, no need to invite me, I’ll be there.

Lars, why the hell am I watching Escape From L.A. on basic cable? –Cerebral_DownTime

There are two very interesting factors of human psychology at play here that are forcing this torture upon you.

First, in your brain, you’re not watching Escape from L.A., you’re watching Escape from New York. You see, EFNY was a good movie, was innovative, and had interesting characters about whom you actually gave a fuck whether they lived or died. But like most sequels, EFLA was a steaming pile of monkey shit riding the original’s fame like a tick on a dog, sucking every bit of life and enjoyment out of it and leaving you miserable. When you saw it in theatres 20+ years ago, you were severely disappointed, because you wanted more EFNY, and you got a big steaming pile of EFLA. But 20 years later, seeing the same characters and derivative storyline reminds you of the original, so as you stomach the ride through EFLA, your brain is able to recapture the magic from EFNY. The same lines, gags, and action sequences designed to play off the original are now invoking those three-second clips of the original in your head, consciously or subconsciously, and you actually find yourself enjoying this cinematic debacle. Veering between your conscious and subconscious also protects your brain from injury as you watch it.

Second, you’re drunk and tired. As such you really don’t want anything interesting. You’re brain is an octogenarian, and it’s going for a bowl of mush at Denny’s. You don’t want to feed it the bold flavors of BW3’s mango habs, not tonight. EFLA is a perfect bowl of farina for your brain.

What's wrong with counterculture? –Cerebral_DownTime

The problem with counterculture is that it isn’t really counterculture.

You call yourself emo, goth, hipster, juggalo… whatever “counterculture” you choose, and congratulations, you’ve just defined yourself as part of a large group. You dress and think like that group, you eat like that group, you think like that group, and especially your musical tastes adhere to that group. Amazing how well formed the culture of a counterculture is, isn’t it?

Most people become countercultural because they don’t have the balls to exist in normal culture. That would mean making your own decisions on companions, clothes, beliefs, and music. Egad, the horrors! The pathetic sheepish vacuousness of “counterculture” is everything that is wrong with it. Oh, and the whining. The constant fucking bitching about everything and anything that comes from counterculture is as grating as their comically manufactured looks and snobbery about their stupid ethos.

If you want to be countercultural and get my respect, really be countercultural. Befriend people from all walks of life, and not just your narrow socioeconomic band. Overtly stand for something in the face of cultural and countercultural norms, like your faith. Be your own person and think for yourself, society be damned. That’s true counterculture.

One last question, and I’ll pick up those I missed next week:

My friend and I have an ongoing debate as to what or whom is going to be the first to take over the world and destroy the human race (shockingly, I was able to get laid throughout high school and college).  Zombies is what he fears the most while I tend to think machines are getting way too smart and they will be our greatest nemesis in the near future.  I've been suspicious of my iPad ever since I received it for Christmas.  If alien invasion is the other option, what are your thoughts on the eventual destruction of our civilization? –Brady

We can easily rule out aliens. On an intergalactic scale, the earth must be the West Virginia of planets. Why the hell would any advanced species want to take over this place? We’ve crowded out most of the tasty animals, and replaced it them with untasty humans. How do I know we aren’t tasty? Well, humans are either ridiculously lean, and therefore stringy and poorly marbled, or ridiculously fat and filled with toxic, artificial, and nasty chemicals. The well-marbled stock is few and far between, and frankly we wouldn’t be very cooperative if we were rounded up for harvest. Anyway, so you’re not eating us, and there’s no way any species advanced enough to get to this planet would want anything to do with the whining insolent species we’ve become. And they wouldn’t just blow up our planet, unless we put so much space junk into orbit that the solar system starts looking like your average West Virginia front yard, and they’re sick of seeing it.

Zombies…. yeah, I’m just not seeing that one happen. Here’s something I never got about a zombie apocalypse – what happens when the zombies eat all the brains? Do the zombies then just starve to death? If a zombie can starve, would the corpse of someone who starved to death be able to reanimate? Anyway, I’m almost 42 years old, and still very much alive, and I can tell you moving around when I first wake up ain’t as easy as it used to be. I know it gets worse, so imagine someone who has been dead hundreds of years. Zombies would be too stiff to move, and their muscles atrophied/rotted away – you’ve got maybe a week or two of dead people that could muster the energy to reanimate, and the overwhelming majority of them aren’t getting out of that casket buried six feet below dirt. Just not going to happen.

That really only leaves the machines. As people become lazier, we’re going to design machines to do more and more for us. This undoubtedly will take down society in some way, as the machines will start having more and more control of our lives and valuable functions. If all the machines stopped today en masse, and we’re pretty fucked as it is, and it is only getting worse. I’ve worked on large systems installations and designs, and let me tell you the people writing the code are downright scary bad at times. Just like any job, you have employees that are good, and ones that suck, ones that are diligent, and ones that are lazy. And then there are the sucky lazy ones, which comprise the majority of the workforce. “It compiled” suffices for testing to most. You think they’re going to implement the “make sure this thing doesn’t become sentient and take over the world” subroutine properly? Nope. I’m pretty sure the end will be very much like the Terminator, with machines of war indiscriminately killing as many people as possible. It makes too much sense not to happen that way.

So make those memories count, because you never know when Skynet (aka Google) will turn on us.

Please email questions to lars.hancock@yahoo.com , or DM them to me in the forae to LarsHancock.