Written by Jonathan Knight

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Like China and Starbucks, social media is gradually taking over the world. If you’re not on board, you’re probably a quadruped.

At the vanguard of this revolution is Twitter, through which you can carpet-bomb the internet with hopelessly random thoughts, 140 characters at a time.

All too often, it seems that the sole purpose of Twitter is for celebrities and professional athletes to “tweet” things to their followers that are deemed controversial and land them in hot water (requiring further tweets and re-tweets to provide well-crafted clarification and thoughtful justification).

Take Chris Perez’s “you-hit-us-we-hit-you” tweet following the Tribe-Kansas City fight a couple weeks back. Cost him $750 (roughly 36 cents to you or me) after Major League Baseball decided to take disciplinary action for reasons beyond the understanding.

A few days after that, Josh Cribbs tweeted “mea culpa” to a speeding ticket and made headlines. Over the past two years, tweets have cost Tony Grossi his job and Dan Gilbert his credibility.

Poo-poo it all you want, but Twitter is an Oldsmobile-sized part of modern American culture. The term “What’s happening?” - once slathered all over an irritating 1970s sitcom - is now the battle cry of an electronically intertwined society feverish to find out just that.

Clearly, this is a very different sports world than the one we grew up in - one in which you used to have to open your mouth in front of a reporter to state your opinion (and/or make an ass out of yourself).

But you know if the technology had been there, athletes, coaches, and owners would have been utilizing Twitter over the past century much in the same way they’re using it today.

So naturally, considering our teams’ Twitter track record (or would it be “twack record”?), we’re led to wonder just what would have been tweeted following some of the more memorable moments in Cleveland sports history.

Wonder no more, constant reader...

 

May 7, 1989

craig_ehlo 3: Had my hand in his bridgework and was basically inside his Air Jordans. What the hell could I do? Oh well - we’ll be back next year. We ARE the team of the 90s. #theshot

 

December 27, 1964

coachcollier: This feels incredible. We can’t make these people wait 50 years before we do this again! #64champs

 

January 4, 1981

siperbowl81: Probably should have thrown that last pass away. #redright88

cockroftkicker: Yeah, you should. Dammit. @siperbowl81

siperbowl81: Why? So you could miss another FG? LOL

cockroftkicker: Field was like marble, yo.

siperbowl81: Think I don’t know that? My ass is now flat and I can’t remember my middle name.

DLogan85: I was open.

 

October 5, 1996

ralomar12: Wow - spitting in an umpire’s face worked out perfectly! #unsuspended

 

May 15, 1981

largelennybarker: Who has two thumbs and just threw the only perfect game in Cleveland history? This guy! #barkerperfect

AddieJossGhost: Wait...what the hell?

 

January 11, 1987

johnelwayteeth: 98 yds - no prob! Anybody else get the feeling I just launched my career with one possession? Now it’s on to a Bronco victory in the Super Bowl! #thedrive

 

April 4, 1994

dickjacobs: So we go from getting no-hit through 7 to winning in 11? Symbolism, baby! This new ballpark is going to turn this franchise around! #thejake

prez_bill_clinton: Thanks for having me! @dickjacobs @monicalewinsky

 

February 5, 1991

HowGreatThouArt: This Belichick guy is going to be the greatest coach in NFL history. #brownsnewcoach

belichickyb: Can I borrow some blank video tapes? #spygate

manGenius: I’ll hook you up, Coach!

 

December 17, 1995
bigdawg: Just tossed my bleacher plank onto the field. Should’ve shellacked it w/BBQ sauce & eaten it. #lastgameincleveland

 

April 29, 1976

joe_tait: Vocal chords shredded. Lost 30 pounds in one night. Almost got killed by onslaught of fans rushing court. Hope they make an LP out of this. #miracleofrichfield

 

April 17, 1999

carmenpolicytweets: This Tim Couch kid is going to be the next Joe Montana. #CouchNo1

dwight_clark: We know, ‘cause we made the 49ers awesome.

silverbillwalsh: WTF?

 

September 29, 1954

Vic_Wertz_23: How in hell do you build a stadium where you can hit a baseball 460 feet and have it NOT be a home run? #54Sweep

GoWillieMays: Say Hey! #TheCatch

Vic_Wertz_23: Up yours.

 

September 10, 1989

clay_matthews: The Browns freakin’ own the Steelers! I can’t see us ever losing to them! #51-0

 

August 12, 1994

dickjacobs: Tribe in contention for 1st time in 35 yrs! Printing playoff tix this afternoon! #nostrike94

DonaldFehr: Dude...might want to hold off on that.

 

November 12,1970

Nick_Mileti: Finally - the Cavs’ 1st win! We’re really going to turn it around!! #didthecavswin

CoachBillFitch: I’m now addicted to painkillers. #expansionishell

 

October 17, 1995

Kenny7Lofton: Didja see the look on Randy Johnson’s face when I slid into home under him? Scoring from 2nd on a passed ball - what a way to win the pennant! #95alcs

BigUnit: For the rest of my life, Kenny Lofton will haunt my 6-foot-10-inch dreams.

 

January 14, 1990

mighty_minni31: Damn, Elway was unstoppable today. No way Denver gets blown out in the Super Bowl this time. #denverchokesagain

 

July 31, 1932

PlainDealer: This new Municipal Stadium is a palace. Makes League Park look like a hobo...So slick & cutting-edge... #newclestadium

Random_CLE_Fan: Love the pillars!

 

November 8, 1993

berniebernie: Coach Bill just called me in for 1-on-1 meeting. Must want to talk about our playoff drive. #abouttobecut

belichickyb: Your tweeting skills are diminishing. @berniebernie

ToddPhilcox17: uiuqp^xoaui%ourew8iouna$*jakd>jl

belichickyb: Mr. Philcox, you’re brilliant.

 

April 16, 1940

RapidRobert19: Wow. No-hitter on opening day is great. But baseball is so crazy, somebody else will probably do it next year. #fellerno-no

 

September 12, 1999

carmenpolicytweets: We may have lost a 43-0 heartbreaker in our 1st game, but we’ll be a playoff team by season’s end. Just need some teeny-weeny changes. #brownsareback

coachpalmer99: I’m driving a runaway train. #killmenow

 

January 17, 1988

erniebyner44: Everybody just shut the fuck up. #thefumble

 

July 15, 1994

AlbertBelleTower: Can’t believe those a**holes took my bat. I ain’t corkin’. #batgate

JGrimsley: Yo Albert - got your bat, but now I’m stuck in the ceiling over umpires’ room.

AlbertBelleTower: LMAO! UR hilarious.

JGrimsley: No...seriously.

 

December 27, 1988

HowGreatThouArt: There are lots of coaches out there better than Schottenheimer. Browns won’t miss a beat. #martyquits

mschottzie: 10 years from now, this team will not exist. #jumptheshark

 

October 26, 1997

mesacloser: Just because you build a career on a good fastball doesn’t mean you should use it with a World Series on the line. Who’s with me? #game7

 

January 3, 1987

berniebernie: I play like Mark Malone and still set playoff records. We come back from 10 down in 4 mins & win in 2 OT. God clearly wants us in the Super Bowl. #jetsOT

m_gastineau86: You’re welcome.

 

October 11, 1948

Veeck_as_in_Wreck: We just drew 2.6 million fans, won the 1st ever AL playoff & then the World Series. Cleveland will always be the baseball capital of the world! #TribeWorldChamps

 

November 6, 1995

8:17 a.m.

HowGreatThouArt: I will never move the Browns. #brownsforever

8:44 a.m.

HowGreatThouArt: I am moving the Browns to Baltimore. #ravensnow

9:26 a.m.

HowGreatThouArt: I had no choice - I love crab meat. #imadick

 

You can only imagine how many followers these guys would have picked up in these historic moments...and how social media would have enriched the entire experience for the rest of us.

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