Written by Andrew Clayman

---

If there is a silver lining to the weirdly similar injuries suffered by the Cavs’ Kyrie Irving and Indians’ Nick Hagadone this past week, it’s that they have raised public awareness about a very serious issue. Today, far too many professional athletes no longer know how to punch a wall properly. And they need our help.

As Cleveland fans, we have been uniquely trained from birth in the art of expressing sports-related frustrations through physical violence. After a half dozen decades of heartache and anguish, punching walls is about as natural to us as sarcastic applause, or chanting the names of players who have an “oo” sound in their names. I suppose that’s why we’ve long taken it for granted that our sporting heroes would share our knack for cinder-block fisticuffs. It’s only now—with two players lost for 6-to-8 weeks—that our responsibility to educate these naïve youngsters has become so painfully evident. So, without further ado… Mr. Irving, Mr. Hagadone… please take notes. This is the easy 5-step tutorial for boxing those bricks without consequences. This is… “How to Punch a Wall: A Handy Guide for Cleveland Athletes." 

Wall Punching 101: Let’s Get Started!

Much like the lost arts of bunting and free-throw shooting, wall punching is an action best mastered through repetition. It also requires a special attention to detail and good solid fundamentals. Admittedly, keeping all these elements in order when in the midst of a fiery, psychotic rage can be quite challenging, indeed. But that’s where muscle memory comes in. If you follow these steps and punch a whole bunch of walls the RIGHT way, then you’ll never need to worry about punching another wall the WRONG way-- like you did last week. Morons.

Step 1: Choosing Your Wall

Walls… they surround us, they’re flat, and they connect the floor to the ceiling. This much we know. But did you know that walls come in thousands of different colors and textures? There are wooden walls, metal walls, plaster walls, Paul Walls. You name it. And no two walls have exactly the same give. This is why wall scouting is the all-important first step of a safe and successful wall punch. During the game itself, when that bad call sends you into a fit of temporary insanity, there won’t be any time for careful, thoughtful assessments of your punching options. When this circumstance arrives, you should already have a specific wall in mind for your impending wrath. The key here is minimal density and optimal smoothness. Just don’t be deceived into thinking the padding on the walls of basketball gymnasiums is equivalent to a wallpuncher’s hall pass. Those things are arguably less forgiving than the concrete behind them, and they will slice your knuckle sandwich into sliders. 

      

Step 2: Choosing Your Punching Hand

So you’ve honed in on your wall, and you’re ready to show it who’s boss. Good. But don’t forget—despite your best instincts—it’s never a good idea to pummel a wall with your dominant hand. Though you won’t be cognizant of it in the heat of the moment, your dominant hand is the one that is most critical to your livelihood as a professional athlete. And while there’s no doubt that your wall attack has its reasonable and ethical merits, you don’t want it to result in the end of your career and a life lived in squalor and destitution. So, if you’re a left-handed relief pitcher, for example, it’s best to try punching the wall with your right hand. And if you’re a right-handed NBA point guard, smashing your non-shooting hand is always the wiser choice. Who knows, you might even find that channeling your aggression through your lesser hand will catch the unsuspecting wall off guard, leaving it less capable of defending itself.

Step 3: Strike Technique

Unfortunately, breaking one of your hands—even the useless one—will likely put you on the disabled list for a little while, potentially prompting your team to withhold your pay as punishment for your stupidity (until your union buddies show up and shake them down). This is why we need to shore up your proper punching form. A solid technique will allow you to slug that wall good and proper while minimizing the risk of shattering your mitts. Pre-punch, remember that your wrist, elbow, and shoulder should be in perfectly straight alignment. And as your fist meets the paneling, be sure you’re leading with the flat part of the fingers, rather than the knuckles. This greatly reduces the odds of your hand exploding on contact. From here, you’ll want to strike and retract in a fluid motion. Do not attempt to push through the wall as if you were the Kool-Aid Man or Juggernaut from the X-Men. Nothing awesome can come of this.

Step 4: Finding Your Ideal Punch Count

If you punch a wall and find yourself unsatisfied with the results, you may be inclined to repeat the process until your inner demons have been sufficiently exorcised. Just remember, every wall punch increases the probability that you will smash your jabbing little paw into ribbons. As a rule, we suggest limiting your wall punch combo to a maximum of three swift, rhythmical strikes in a waltz tempo. BAM… BAM… BAM. And recoil. If you complete three wall punches without missing your next scheduled start, you can consider yourself a true master of the craft, indeed! 

Step 5: Reconsidering This Entire Wall Punching Idea

This is probably the most important, yet routinely overlooked step one can take before punching a wall. With all the countless different ways you’re already vulnerable to injury on the field of play, it could be argued that slamming your bare hand directly into an unforgiving surface only adds a great deal of increased, unnecessary risk to your job. Maybe your inner turmoil could better be dealt with by taking deep breaths, or yelling at referees, or listening to some Adele in the clubhouse. But in the end, you may find there is simply no reasonable alternative. There are just certain moments that are so frustrating, so outrageous, so offensively infuriating, that you just have to punch the bloody hell out of the nearest wall. You know, like when you find out that two local sports stars have broken their hands in the same week for the same idiotic reason.