Written by Lars Hancock

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Being that summer is winding down, yesterday I blew off a little work and went to the public pool with the family. It was a hot day, and a very large and popular pool, so as such it was quite crowded with people from all walks of life. Viewing this random sampling of America, all I can say is that I am horrified for the future of this nation.

Before I get into this, I want to make two things perfectly clear. First, if you’ve got a few extra pounds on you, or a few hundred extra even, I really don’t care. It doesn’t make you a bad person in any way, and it doesn’t diminish my opinion of you in the slightest. Most of my friends are overweight, because most of America is overweight – it’s just the way it is. And if you’re a few Quarter Pounders over your target BMI, YOU shouldn’t feel that you’re any less of a person either. Sure, we’d all like to look like Ryan Lochte or Misty May, but that is an unrealistic goal for 99.99% of the world, given the demands of careers, family, and life in general which make exercising 6 hours a day unrealistic. And if you’re not competing for a gold medal, all that time would be really kind of wasted – what could you have contributed to the world had you not been so obsessed with having perfect abdominals? People should be measured by the love they give to the world – their family, friends, and those in need, and not by the achievement of narcissistic pursuits.

 

Second, money does not equal class. As anyone who has watched even a second of any Real Housewives or Kardashian related show, you know this to be a fact. Often, the vulgar display and pursuit of money, in fact, shows a total lack of class, where adopting a comfortable and humble existence is really the epitome of class. If you think a Porsche makes you a better person, then you are seriously misguided, and if you think having the latest styles of brand logo clothing makes you a great woman, then your priorities are seriously out of whack. Class is about carrying yourself in a way that dignifies yourself, and that dignifies others around you.

Side note: when Mercedes-Benz adopted Janis Joplin’s Mercedes Benz as theme music to an advertising campaign, it horrified me to no end. Here is a song that is a social commentary on the American lust for material possessions being used straight-faced to get Americans to lust for material possessions. And sadly, neither the nitwits in the advertising agency, nor the dolts in the marketing department of Mercedes-Benz, realized the irony in having such a song as a commercial. And Joplin’s estate didn’t have the dignity to refuse to license it for such a perverted purpose, which likely had her spinning in her grave.

So back to the pool. Oh, the humanity. I will now list the people I saw there, and what they told me by their appearance. If any of this offends you, I do not apologize in advance, and instead weep for your lack of self-realization and inability to conduct yourself with decency.

Pregnant bikini woman. I’m sitting with my family having a nice snack and then notice an extremely pregnant woman behind us who is straddling a bench and applying lotion to her exposed stomach. The horror of this sight was unimaginable. This woman had to be at least 10 months pregnant with twins or triplets, an the bikini was a standard bikini so the giant misshapen gooey bump was there for the whole world to see. Just a glimpse of this induced about 30 seconds of shock-induced blindness. “Lars… Lars… are you okay?” “Yeah honey, my body just shut down my optic center for a while in self defense.” Ladies, wear a tankini and cover that – nobody wants to see that. And don’t give me that horseshit “it’s natural” crap, masturbation is natural too and you don’t see me walking around pounding the flounder. Because that would be wrong and disgusting, just like making me look at your giant misshapen gut.

Gold Chain Hairy Man. General question here: why is gold chain guy always hairy? And doesn’t that thing get painfully tangled up in all that simian-like fur? Anyway, guys – it’s 2012. A gold chain is like a flea collar for women – it repels them, and kills their sex drive dead. With the price of gold these days, you could get yourself weekly body waxings for about 10 years for what you paid for the Mr. T starter kit you’re rocking. Side note: Gold Chain Hairy Man is also usually going to be doing something ostentatious and inappropriate, like being the only adult in the line for the high dive. You think your impressing anyone by making children wait?

XXXXXXL Bikini. Just because they make it in your size, it doesn’t mean you should wear it. You’re not a bad person because you’re fat, but on the flip side, nobody wants to see it either. They make plenty of attractive women’s bathing suits that afford you the dignity of coverage – explore them, please. Because there’s no reason to make me have an instant obsession to go iron some things after you walk by.

Running Shorts Bathing Suit Guy. Dude, just because they look similar, doesn’t mean they’re the same thing. A bathing suit will do things like not cling to your package when you get it wet, and not ride down your ass when you get wet. And believe me, sir, we want all that left to our imagination.

Preteen in Tiny String Bikini. This is wrong on every level. Now I’m not suggesting we adopt Taliban-type of restrictions on freedom, but why should a merchant be allowed to sell “sexy” clothing to young girls? There is nothing right that can happen allowing your daughter to dress like that, and yet it is almost commonplace anymore. Little girls should be little girls, and not small women, or even worse, small slutty women. If you allow your daughter to wear something that would make Bo Derek blush, you should be ashamed of yourself. So she’s not cool, better that than you having to raise her kids when she’s 14, right?

Bad Ink Person. I love ink, and I love seeing it. You get inked, I’ll look at it until I figure out what it is or it says, because that’s why you got it, right? You’re inked because you want people to look at it. So if you put a quote from Shakespeare (or more likely Britney Spears) between your tits, you’re going to have to excuse my ogling for a bit while I figure out what it says. But not all tattoos are created equal, and in fact, most are created much less than equal. Badly done tats, ink that is in a bad place on your body, tramp stamps, etc. are all huge mistakes that you are going to have to live with the rest of your life. And with a litany of poorly conceived tattoos, you’re showcasing the sum of your bad life decisions at the pool, which essentially attracts predators to you like blood in the water would attract sharks.

Anyway, on the topic of the pool, you can’t help but be amazed at the accomplishments of Michael Phelps. He’s accumulated more precious metal in Olympiads than Flava Flav’s grill, and if he were his own country he would be in the top 40 of all nations, all time, in medals (both facts actually true, btw). I want to hate the guy because he’s from Baltimore, is a Ravens fan, hawks shitty Subway sandwiches, and has big goofy ears, but come on. He’s an American and an amazing freak of nature, and he’s making history that may never be repeated. Ryan Lochte talks a lot of smack, but typical of a Florida Gator, has a larger opinion of himself than is warranted.

As poor as NBC’s coverage of the Olympics is, and as annoying as it may be to see them fellate Phelps on a nightly basis, I thoroughly enjoy watching Phelps make history, and it makes me proud to be an American. People say he should have retired and preserved his legacy. People say he didn’t work hard enough for this Olympiad. But he’s shut them up, and who are “they” to criticize him anyway? You win 20 medals, then you talk. Phelps is why you watch the Olympics.

Anyway, off to the questions.

Isn't a Steelers fan buying the Browns kind of like John Demjanjuk organizing a chapter of B'nai B'rith? –d’funk’d

Well then…

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear – the NFL is a business. Based on the on-field performance of the last, what, millennium, the Browns should be worth about $1.99. The corpse of Billy Mays should be hawking them on QVC. And yet, they sold for over a billion dollars. A billion freaking dollars.

Let’s break down how much a billion dollars is. It’s 1/7 the Gross Domestic Product of Haiti, meaning if the entire nation of Haiti worked for two months as hard as it could, the total value of all products it produced would be barely sufficient to buy the Browns. It represents approximately 250 million six packs of Genesee Cream Ale, meaning you and your 49 best muni lot tailgate buddies could get completely obliterated every day for a solid 3,425 years.

Did Jimmy Haslam buy our beloved bag of magic beans hoping they would turn into a mystical beanstalk? No, of course he didn’t. He bought the Browns because they are a money making cash machine. You pay $10 for a beer and $100 for a ticket to see whatever pile of crap is put on the field by the regime du jour, because we’re the most rabid and loyal fanbase in the NFL. We have to be, because we continue to show up for this crap, and continue to believe this year is next year. It is a tremendous compliment to us as fans that a fan of our chief adversary recognizes our loyalty and dedication sufficient to invest a billion of his own dollars in us. Who knows better than a fan of our rivals how much we support our team? And make no mistake about it – he invested in us, not in the team.

At the end of the day, Haslam has got a billion reasons to be a Browns fan now, and as a competent businessman he’s going to put as good of a product on the field as possible. He gives a crap about football, knows a lot of the game as a fan, and doesn’t tie himself up with futbal. And if the product on the field is sufficiently improved, who are we as fans to complain? It’s not like Al Qaeda bought the team, and we’ve converted one more piss and black wearing yinzer to the good side of the force. It took Darth Vader coming to the good side to kill the Emperor – maybe the same thing will happen in Berea.

In your opinion what is the biggest driving force for road rage?  Ego, a loose screw, poor time management causing people to rush etc.? - The perfect driver.

When you’re at the pool, don’t you just want to scream to the pregnant woman lotioning her belly “HOLY CRAP THAT IS NASTY! I DON”T WANT TO SEE THAT!”. When you walk past the guy at work who hasn’t discovered this magic “deodorant” stuff can keep him from smelling like a monkey on a summer day, don’t you want to yell “DUDE, YOU SMELL LIKE A SEWER THREW UP. TAKE A SHOWER!”. We all want to do that, but the rules of society prohibit us from doing such.

Ah, but what if we were allowed to walk around in a little bubble that allowed us to say such things, unheard by others, with no social repercussions? That’s what our cars afford us, and as such, we strip the usual rules of civility and say to others exactly what is on our minds. Think of all the vile things you said just this morning on your commute to the office. Would you even consider saying any of them if the other person could hear you? I think not.

The problem with that is that it transports you into a mental state where the rules of society indeed no longer exist. Civility is not something you simply turn on and off, and when Joe Knucklehead cuts you off, your yelling filthy invectives in his direction quickly escalates into hate that extends outside your protective vehicle, and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. If he did it with his shopping cart in Heinens, dirty look, maybe, and you both move on. But on the road? You pull out a four iron and go all Elin Woods on him.

If you don’t allow yourself to hate, you won’t ever go into a rage. It’s just that simple.

Why don't the Summer Olympics combine running and rifles they way he winter Olympics combines cross county skiing and rifles? –Big D in Big A

They do have a worldwide competition in which most countries are actively competing at present where you run around and shoot things. It’s called “war” and most of our best athletes in the sport are unavailable for service in London. But don’t worry, the top performers do get their Gold (Medal of Honor), Silver (Star), and Bronze(Star) medals for their achievements. And the US had been kicking ass in it for 200 years! We’re 10 and 1!

Seriously, do you really think that having Iranian athletes running around with guns next to Israeli athletes is a good idea? Are you going to volunteer to run next to the North Korean team? Of course not. Biathlon is perfectly fine because all of the completely insane nations of the world are below the frost line. Syria isn’t posting a biathlete because you can’t ski in Syria. That makes it perfectly safe to allow the athletes to carry weapons.

Special notes this week:

1) In next week’s column, I’m going to reverse the roles and ask some of my most loyal questioners questions of my own. I have no idea how this is going to go, but that’s the story of my life really.

2) The Indians traded for someone named Lars this week. That’s awesome in a number of ways. Okay, so one is the specific number, but still, he’s my new favorite Indian.

 

Please email questions to lars.hancock@yahoo.com, tweet them @ReasonsImADrunk, or DM them to me in the forae to LarsHancock.