As the Susan Lucci of filling out NCAA tournament brackets, I decided that this year I’d take a different approach to my March Madness selections.
For the first time ever, I went to an expert for guidance. Not a college hoops beat writer or blogger or any of the unctuous talking heads from CBS or ESPN who have been proven wrong time and again, but a more approachable, less likely sage.
The frumpy receptionist who doesn’t know Mike Krzyzewski from Vladimir Putin but has somehow won your office pool three years running? Even better: my eight-year-old son, who has never watched a basketball game in his life.
If there’s one thing we’ve all learned over the years, it’s that the less you know about college basketball going into the tournament, the better off you’ll be in making your picks. And since this kid equates watching any kind of organized sport with having his toenails clipped, I figured he’s the equivalent of a tournament-bracket oracle.
I’ll warn you, some of his selections will be startling to anybody who’s ever heard of Dick Vitale. But since it’s been roughly 20 years since I was even in contention in a pool after the second round, who am I to question his logic?
We start with the play-in games. He picks Western Kentucky to beat Mississippi Valley State because Kentucky is warmer (than Ohio, presumably, not Mississippi). He goes with BYU because he likes the schools that just have letters as their name. And he favors South Florida over California “because it’s a really nice, warm place.”
And we’re off to the races.
In the first round alone, some would question his wisdom. His prediction of three No. 16 seeds winning, for example, is controversial, to be sure, but not that much sketchier than anything that’s ever left Seth Davis’ mouth.
In the South region, he picks Indiana to run the table and reach the Final Four because of the natural correlation between Tom Crean’s Hoosiers and adventuring archeologist Indiana Jones. Similarly, he gives UNLV a first-round nod after learning that they’re from Las Vegas, which is featured prominently in the movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians “and looks awesome.”
And unlike the rest of us, who make and re-make our picks and second-guess ourselves into oblivion, he sticks with his guns and never looks back. He selects Xavier over Notre Dame because of the “z” sound and the inherent coolness of the letter x. He’s confident Duke will hold off Lehigh because “a duke is someone you’d find in a castle.”
Take that, Clark Kellogg.
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