Let’s say you need a new pair of pants.

(And considering at least three quarters of you reading this are male, this isn’t a strictly hypothetical scenario.)

You’ve got a 30% off coupon, but it expires today, and the store closes in 10 minutes. You race in but find out they’re completely out of the pants you wanted. You head for the door, disappointed, but then remember you’ve got the coupon. It would be a waste not to use it, even if it means you buy something you don’t really need.

So you quickly grab a plaid flannel shirt without trying it on - one just like a half-dozen others you just donated to Goodwill - and head for the register.

You get home, cut the tags off, hang Rob Chudzinski in your closet, and begin to ask yourself what the hell you just did.

In this haberdashery flight of fancy, you are the Browns. The closing of the store represents the time constraint the Browns were under as - ahem - “viable” coaching candidates got snapped up each day. And the 30% off coupon is the football genius of Jimmy Haslam and Joe Banner.

But really, what makes this situation another classic Cleveland clusterfuck is the pants.

For the pants are Chip Kelly.

From now until the end of Rob Chudzinski’s tenure as Browns’ head coach (likely coinciding with the start of the next round of presidential primaries), we will never be able to forget that he wasn’t Haslam or Banner’s first choice. Probably wasn’t their second or third choice, either.

Putting it in highly appropriate terms, he was their Chris Palmer.

It was obvious from the first SportsCenter after Pat Shurmur was shown the door that Chip Kelly was their guy. Let’s ignore the debate on why/how they were unable to get the guy they really wanted for the moment and focus on the fundamental, hydrogen-bomb-explosion wrongness of their mentality in the first place.

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We're still close enough to the start of 2013 that a "New years Resolution" article is a worthwhile pursuit. So, without further delay, let's get started with just that as it pertains to our Cleveland sports teams.

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The thing is, it sounds like something that could happen.  I mean, why not?  I get how it could sound plausible.  There are some guys who played this amateur game on Saturdays this year, and a fair share that will play it again next year, that not only have the talent to play on Sunday, but a select few that could make an immediate impact in the NFL.  It starts with Jadaveon Clowney at South Carolina, and I’d consider Arizona State’s Will Sutton to be in that category, but neither one of those student-athletes attend Alabama. 

You know Alabama; they’re the team that made quick work of an undefeated Notre Dame in a game that was supposed to determine a National Champion.  What it was, was a formality for Alabama to showcase their football team for about four hours before their semi-annual (annual, for the time being) crystal trophy presentation.  During the game, Browns fans heard jokes, even if not spoken with malice, about why anyone would leave a destination job like the one in Tuscaloosa for lovely Berea, Ohio.  For some of us, the truth that Brent Musburger had implied hurt.

Those with level-heads pointed and laughed at our sensitivity, but I personally don’t care for our business to be aired nationally like that.  It’s the old Delta House philosophy; they can’t do that to our pledges, only we can do that to our pledges.  Suddenly, depending on how long you’ve been subject to Cleveland abuse, it was Johnny Carson or Conan O’Brien all over again.  By the next morning, there’s people awarding our new National Champions a hypothetical victory over our beloved Browns in a game that could never, and would never, be played.

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Hello Mr. Haslam and Mr. Banner and welcome to Coaching Depot. How may we help you?

Oh, you’re looking to decorate your new purchase with a shiny new head coach? Let’s see what we can find for you. (Too bad you were not here a few months ago; we could have offered you a special two-for-one deal with a Mr. Dolan).

What’s that? You really prefer a college coach? Sorry, looks like that is not going to happen as we are out of stock for this year. We thought we were going to carry Chip Kelly and Bill O’Brien, but we had to send them back to Oregon and Pennsylvania as they were not quite ready.

Sorry? You were asking about Nick Saban? We don’t stock him, he’s really more of a Southern regional item (like Sweet Tea) and, actually, we just received a report yesterday that confirms that won’t be changing anytime soon.

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