In a surprising move guaranteed to excite overly enthusiastic sci-fi dorks and depressed Cleveland sports fans alike, the Browns have hired popular film/television producer and director J.J. Abrams as their new head coach.
“It’s very exciting to have J.J. aboard leading the charge as we set off on our sixth reboot of the series in the last 14 years,” said Browns owner Jimmy Haslam. “J.J. is the perfect man to helm this latest reconstruction. Beyond having such great instincts as a filmmaker, he has an intuitive understanding of the state-of-the-art special effects and cinematic slight of hand that will be necessary to make this team watchable.”
The announcement comes just days after Disney revealed that Abrams will direct the first of its new series of Star Wars films. Both Disney and the Browns are hoping Abrams can rescue a once-proud franchise that plummeted into disgrace and began colossally disappointing fans in 1999.
“Let’s face it, mistakes have been made,” Haslam said. “The Browns had Tim Couch, Star Wars had Jar-Jar Binks. The Browns had Mike Holmgren, Star Wars had midi-chlorians, whatever the fuck those are.
“Consequently, both franchises have stayed afloat financially by incessantly trotting out memories of the good old days to cover up their painfully obvious current defects and rekindle the loyalty of their desperate fans who - let’s face it - will spend money on anything associated with the franchise no matter how pathetic it gets.”
While admitting there’s much work ahead, Abrams is excited about the opportunity.
“To be part of the next chapter of the Cleveland Browns, to collaborate with Jimmy Haslam and Joe Banner and whichever back-slapping buddies he’s handed out jobs to, is an absolute honor,” said Abrams. “I may be even more grateful to the Cleveland Browns for their incompetence than I am to George Lucas for his.”
There are any number of ways to look at the upcoming Super Bowl and the local and national media won't tire of trying to tell you what that should be. But really if you're a Browns fan is there any other context than to look at the participants and use them as a benchmark for how far your team has to go? Didn't think so.
On Feb. 2, the 46-member selection committee for the Pro Football Hall of Fame will meet to vote on this year’s class of inductees.
Real life, without fail, forces us all to do something that we don’t want to at some point in the day, almost on a daily basis.
In eighth grade, I was an interior lineman for the football team. Meaning, I wasn’t very gifted at throwing, catching, or running with the ball. I was the football equivalent of the baseball Little Leaguer you would hide over in right field. That was fine. I was just happy to be in the game.