You could make the argument that 2010 was one of – if not the worst sports year in Cleveland history.

While the departure of LeBron™ was certainly the scrotum-twisting centerpiece of the calendar and likely the one and only thing Clevelanders will remember about 2010 years down the line, The Decision (term used with permission of ESPN, the Worldwide Dealer in Sports) alone doesn’t set 2010 apart as the Great Depression-in-a-Can that it truly was.

There were the Indians doing everything they could to make Cleveland believe it actually never had a professional baseball team. There were the Cavs going “Black Sox” against Boston in the playoffs. And there were the Browns starting the season with expectations so low we would have been thrilled if they won three games – then winning five yet still somehow colossally disappointing us.

But let us not follow the siren song of debating the worst years in Cleveland sports history. Instead, let’s flip it over and talk about the greatest.

(Spoiler alert: it’s probably not what you think.)

There are lots of candidates, though most of them occurred when our grandfathers were interested in sex. Certainly 1948 comes to mind, with the Tribe winning the World Series and the Browns and Barons following suit with AAFC and AHL titles. Take away a 96-hour stretch by the Indians that fall and 1954 would certainly warrant discussion. 

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The Browns have a new coach, Pat Shurmur, or as the brilliant Chris Hutchinson has declared, Paddy O'Shurmur. Personally, I kind of like "Patches McShurmur", but I'm nothing if not a team player. So Paddy it is.

The Browns left no stone unturned in their exhaustive search for the next head coach. The only problem that some people are having is that there were apparently only three stones in the area Mike Holmgren was looking,

and two of those are those Styrofoam faux stones that people hide keys in*. There was only one real stone in the area that the Browns were looking. They turned it over and found Paddy.

*I love those things. Do those ever fool anyone? As if there is a criminal looking to break into a house who gives up because he's looked everywhere for the spare key, on top of the door, under the welcome mat, behind the rocking chair,...everywhere. And he keeps tripping over this annoying softball sized stone that's just laying there in the flower bed. Where the hell could that key be?

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Let’s do it.

Let’s talk about the Browns again this week and save the Cavaliers for the bottom of the piece where they will no doubt languish all season and where they will no doubt feel comfortable. But the big news again this week is the Browns and we can save the self flagellation for last.

I told you last week that Pat Shurmur was likely to be named the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns. In looking at the various media outlets and the reports that were out there Shurmur was always the Browns’ and team President Mike Holmgren’s first (and likely only) choice.

And why not?

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The following is a transcript of a statement read by the ghost of Moses Cleaveland at the Boys & Girls Club of Greenwich, Connecticut:  

“Today is a noteworthy and exciting day for the city of Cleveland. 

“We are proud to announce that the great city of Cleveland – also known as the Best Location in the Nation – will be moving from Cleveland to Phoenix. This move is an important part of an overall strategy for the city to build our population, widen our demographics, and provide additional benefits to citizens such as occasional sunshine and the obliteration of winter. And with many of Cleveland’s former businesses and citizens already in the area, the move will serve as an ironic homecoming. Albeit in reverse.

“We believe we  need to raise our profile within the United States, and have determined the best way to do so is by mirroring what millions of panty-waists have been doing since the 1970s: pulling up anchor from a city our ancestors settled in centuries before and moving someplace that has nicer weather four months out of the year, then sitting outside in a lawn chair on 106-degree afternoons bitching about how American companies are ruining this country by outsourcing jobs. 

“The move will also replenish our revenue sources, as the frighteningly high number of Cleveland’s unemployed will finally be able to release their inner racism by finding work as a member of a privatized border patrol service or freelance bounty hunter tasked with accosting any minority – whether they be black, Latino, Jewish, left-handed, or able to correctly conjugate verbs – and promptly returning them to the Mexican border. Or, if physically able to carry anything heavier than an M-1 rifle, they will have the opportunity to work at Wal-Mart, Arizona’s largest employer. 

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