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Mitch CyrusCrystalball

There are reasons you don’t see many reviews from me in August or January; those are the two worst months of the year for new releases.  It is a time for studios to dump junk upon us, films not good enough for the block buster periods of November and December, or May through July, and also terrible enough to not even remotely qualify for “awards season”.

Accordingly, there are FIVE new movies coming out this week.  I will not be reviewing any of them, as they are all complete crap…with the possible exception of one semi-decent kid’s movie; but I don’t fit the demographic for that one, and neither do 90% of the readers of this site.

It is highly unlikely that I’ll ever watch any of them…although “The Switch” might end up on my DVD list at some point if I’m trying to score some quality time with my wife by watching it with her.


Mitch CyrusExpendables

Sylvester Stallone has assembled a “Who’s Who” of action hero stars for his latest film “The Expendables”, an old fashioned action adventure that is heavy on the action and as light as a feather as far as plot and character development goes.  None of this is a surprise, of course, which means my expectations were sufficiently lowered to the point where I could sit back and enjoy the carnage.

It’s almost like the NBA All-Star game.  You’re there to watch the flash and the dazzle, knowing full well that it doesn’t resemble and actual NBA game.  With “The Expendables”, it was the same concept; you aren’t there to see anyone showing off their acting skill, even though there were several members of the cast with true acting ability (including Stallone).  Nope…this one has as much chance of being nominated for an Oscar as LeBron James has of winning a popularity contest in Cleveland.

But that’s OK, because the action is absolutely balls-to-the-wall and almost nonstop.  It kicks right off with Barney Ross’s (Stallone) gang of mercenaries hired to deliver a ransom to a cargo ship captured by Somali pirates.  Naturally, the pirates are stupid and demand even more money, giving the good guys an opportunity to start right out by brutally slaughtering all of them…without so much as a scratch to any of the hostages.


Mitch CyrusCrystalball

Macho weekend coming up.  The Browns start their preseason games tomorrow night, and Sylvester Stallone and every action hero not named Seagal or Van Damme appearing in “The Expendables”

Mini Review - “Kick-Ass”

In his third feature as a director, Brit Matthew Vaughn has done an excellent job in channeling Quentin Tarantino in the wickedly snarky comic book satire “Kick-Ass”.  It is disturbingly violent, vulgar, and at times borderline perverted; but it is also very original, quite funny, and completely entertaining.

Aaron Johnson stars as the geeky high school kid who decides to dress up in a garish wet-suit and start fighting crime despite having no real skills whatsoever…with the first results being exactly what one would expect to happen in real life if this were to occur.  But for the love of the class hottie, young Dave Lizewski pushes on, and then manages to go viral when his attempts to break up a three on one gang beat down is captured by a video camera.


Mitch CyrusCrystalball

I’m back after skipping over last week’s Crystal Ball so that I could attend my annual pilgrimage to Berea to attend the start of Browns’ Training Camp.  Another weekend that my liver would like to forget.

No great loss, as last week’s movies were the worst new releases I’ve seen this summer.  “Dinner for Schmucks”, “Charlie St. Cloud”, and “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore”.  None of them worth even renting in a few months, let alone wasting the time and money required to see them at the theaters.

Mini Review - “Cop Out”

I’m still not sure how I ended up watching this movie.  I’m on a “camping” trip up in the Virginia mountains with my two sisters and their husbands…and the quotes around “camping” are due to the fact that there are two RVs up there the size of smaller aircraft carriers, along with a bath house, DirecTV satellite, power, A/C, and enough amenities to make the Waldorf Astoria turn at least a slight shade of green.


Mitch CyrusCrystalball

It took all summer, but July has finally given us the two movies that will be the centerpiece of discussion when historians look back at the summer of 2010.

It may have been a totally crap season, but “Toy Story 3” and “Inception” will be talked about for years to come.

I’m also sure that there are a few other movies from the summer that will be talked about for years to come…just not in the same tone as these other two.  “The Last Airbender”, “Jonah Hex”, and “Prince of Persia” will be three of them.  And here is a fourth

Mini Review - “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”

Jerry Bruckheimer and Nicolas Cage.  The same duo that gave us the mind numbing, but still entertaining “National Treasure” movies, at it again, this time adapting a ten minute Mickey Mouse short seen in the film “Fantasia” into a live action motion picture.


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